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Old 12-24-2010, 07:20 PM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You are not acting like a mono RG. Or at least trying something different out that isn't monogamy.
So, let me get this straight. Wife is sharing stuff that you reckon you *own* yet you are too and that is okay? Its okay for you to meet up with Bree, fuck her brains out, finding you care for her and call it by no describing words, but you object to your wife doing the same thing and calling it poly? Hmmmm? Have I got this right?
... No. Not really. You know what I get from Bree? The feeling of actually being wanted. The feeling of being thought of as good company. Feeling important. I don't get that from the wife. I get comparisons ("my BF holds my hand! He listens to my problems! He does xyz, ad nauseum..."). I get told that all I want from her is sex... Which, while my libido outpaces hers considerably, isn't true. But I *do* get irritated and and lonely when we haven't had sex all week (or maybe we have, but only because she felt obligated to) and yet she's out the the door to spend the night with her boyfriend. To run all over town doing things that *we* haven't done in years because she refuses to call a babysitting agency ("But I don't know those people! I can't trust them with my kids!" What utter bullshit.) And then, yes, to have sex with this guy. Who can always do no wrong.

Is it jealousy? Yep. It sure is. I embrace that. I don't want two loves. I want one. And I want one that in turn wants one. Hypocritical? Nope. Bree lives 1000 miles away. I've seen her all of twice. And while I do have very strong feelings for her, she apparently feels like she can't reciprocate. I don't fully understand why, but does it matter? On the one side, I've got a woman that can't or won't love me like I want to be loved, and on the other, I've got a woman who... I don't know what. We had a great weekend together, but any talk of meeting again gets shut down. Yet, she was texting that she missed me before I was even home.

I find myself pissed off at both of them. Michelle for not being honest with herself and with me about who she was years ago, when it didn't matter as much. Now I've got three other lives that depend on me and my choices. Now I've wasted my twenties. I'm pissed at her for approaching this open marriage thing under the guise of "if it gets uncomfortable, we'll stop" and when I felt things were happening too fast with her current boyfriend without enough regard to my own emotions, I was told "this is who I am, deal with it."
Nice to see where I rate.

I'm pissed at Bree for not having the balls to own up to her feelings. In talking with her about our previous falling out, she said that it was because the closer she felt to me, the further she felt from God. I've no doubt she feels some of that again... But I don't see why God would punish her for following her heart. She knows she could have my whole heart, if she'd just accept it. Instead, I'm kept at arm's length. I'm her closest friend, no doubt... I know her better than probably anybody. But there's still this... barrier. She won't let me all the way in. That's part of why she's declared that she just wants to be "us" without applying labels to it. I thought it was because I was married, but she knows... KNOWS that I don't want this open marriage. She knows I want to be with her. So why does she erect this wall?

And... I'm pissed at myself. For not being okay with Michelle and her boyfriend... but at the same time, I'm pissed at myself for WANTING to be okay. For feeling like a doormat for Michelle and Bree. For being scared to do what I think needs to be done - Leaving. For not wanting to leave. For agreeing to try open marriage in the first place. For not being able to make Bree go away and just swallow my pain at that and at how Michelle makes me feel and just be strong for my kids. For fighting with Michelle. For the moments when I hate Michelle. I hate myself for marrying so young. I hate myself for even considering any of this and what it means to the kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I suggest you slow down, take a breath, adjust your thinking you own your wife or her freedom as that is her right to have and start appreciating what you've got instead.
I resent the notion that the desire for mutual monogamy has anything to do with ownership. And I'm not a hypocrite: I'd enter into a mutually monogamous relationship with Bree in a heartbeat. If I could. But I can't. Instead, I'm stuck with a polyamorous wife who doesn't appear to have any idea what I'm feeling or why. "I'd let you do whatever you wanted, why can't I have the same courtesy," she says. That's missing the point. But she doesn't want what I want, so maybe it's stupid and pointless that I'm still around. Other than these little things called the kids. And this life that we've spent over ten years building.

I want the life I had a year ago back... But it's gone, and I don't know what to do about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
She isn't going anywhere. You have all the things you love around you and a new woman that needs some time to adjust to this situation.
Michelle isn't going anywhere, but I can't say the same for Bree. She won't adjust. We'll go on like this for a few years. She'll see me occasionally when she feels strong enough. Then she'll feel guilty for a few months. Wash, rinse, repeat. Then she'll go to get her second masters degree abroad in a few years, and that'll be that. She'll get married. And she'll be out of my life in that capacity for good.

And Michelle is putting incredible pressure on me to "make a decision." She can't live with my indecision she says. She needs resolution. So... whatever that means.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Take it slow, relax, do some work on what you *think* because you were taught it from our monogamous culture and see if you come up witn the same statements you made a few posts back. If you do, then move on. If not then you have a place to start.

That's what I reckon anyway.
I'm trying. Dear God, how I'm trying.
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