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Old 12-24-2010, 09:19 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
Or perhaps there's a mono person out there who has some insight into being placed in a "primary" role that you weren't comfortable with.
Hey, speaking of a mono guy

I can relate to your boyfriend not wanting to be a primary. I don't think things are necessarily not my responsibility because of it though. I do things for the people I love; that's not a responsibility, it's just a way of taking care of those I care about.

I also don't see myself as a primary, but let me explain. It's not that I love Redpepper any less or am any less committed to her than PN. In dealing with the mono/poly thing not thinking about yourself as primary can be helpful for the mono...at least in my case it is. For some unknown reason it helps short circuit the mono desire to have loved returned in the same way we give it...with intimate exclusivity (not all monos...but a lot of them). This desire is often portrayed as possessiveness by those who don't want exclusivity and sometimes that assessment is right, other times it is not.

Considering ourselves as an addition to a core relationship as opposed to being the core relationship sometimes overrides the natural tendency to want or expect exclusivity. Perhaps if your boyfriend offers words of his commitment or acknowledges loving you, then he doesn't think he will be able to share you. He might be doing what he can to protect the connection you have but it is coming across as indifference to the level of emotion you both have.

Now, that being said, he could be using the "I'm just a boyfriend/fwb" to avoid the routine stuff of life such as helping in areas he is not really interested. I would definitely pin that down.
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