View Single Post
  #147  
Old 12-24-2010, 03:20 AM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
Default

I'm sorry for my outburst. I've been... up and down. One minute I feel okay, the next I'm boiling over.

I look at the life I have... had. And I want it back. I don't want to be a primary - I want to be an only. I tried. Good god, I tried. Anybody can read the posts I've made here and see how I wanted to try. But I just can't do it. I can't let go. Sage, I know you've written books (literally) on the subject. I don't mean to disparage your fine work. I just... I feel abandoned. Every relationship with a woman I've ever had, going back to those first crushes in jr. high, ended in me being abandoned.

I want mutual monogamy. I don't know why. Intellectually, I understand poly. I get why you folks do it. I get what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to love her anyway. I'm supposed to push jealousy aside and feel compersion. I don't. I don't even really want to anymore. She's my wife. The things that she shares with her boyfriend (not the one I've previously mentioned, she has one locally now) are supposed to be between us. And yes, I know "supposed to" is subjective. I'm just stating my feelings, and, contrary to what my dear wife would assert, I'm not just parroting a lifetime of repressive patriarchal societal conditioning. I consider myself so progressive, but I can't get past this.

And so I think about separating. We had basically decided on it as of Tuesday night, and I was at peace. Except I had, of course, made the assumption that I could have Bree. When I remove that assumption, when I remove the feeling that she gives me, the feeling of being loved the way I need to be loved, I'm terrified. I don't know how to leave. I don't want to leave my kids. My house. My pets. Even stupid little things, like parking my car in the garage. Apartments don't have garages. I like parking my car in the garage. I bought a house with a 2-car garage so I could do this. Why should I have to sacrifice that? And the list of little things like that go on and on...

Why do I think I can't have Bree? She said to me months ago that she wanted us to be honest with each other and just be us. No labels, because labels bring expectations. She's stressed by the situation with me and my wife. She's stressed by grad school. She's stressed by situations at odds with her principles (did I mention her grad school is a seminary?). I don't think she wants the stress of a relationship... But then... what are we? We're in constant contact (IM, text, etc.). Out of the blue she invited me to see her last weekend, and we had SO much fun. We're so... great together. And our parting on Sunday was hard on us both. Before I'd even made it home, she was texting me that she missed me. She called me last night to hear my voice. But every time I try to bring up seeing each other again, or regularly, or maybe giving our "label-less" relationship a little more substance, she backs off.

Sigh.
Reply With Quote