Thread: Forever Eklctc
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Old 12-23-2010, 09:23 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default Still Trying to Figure It Out

Iím going to start writing out my internal ramblings in hopes that they make more sense or form a better connection visually than they are doing roaming around in my mind.

So I managed to broach the topic of the relationship with P last night but we didnít really get anywhere. One thing that I noticed about myself (after he voiced it later on in the evening) is I was guarded and had been, I realized, from the moment I got there which hindered my ability to assertively address the topic earlier in the evening. Iím fighting to get to the bottom of those guarded feelings. Itís not like P has ever made me feel like I couldnít talk to him about anything but, maybe, itís about my interpretation of our interactions over the last two to three weeks and my desire to have some individuality and confidentiality between the two of us when it comes to the communications of our relationship Ö that has me on edge. I think the jackhammer applied to my trust foundation a few months ago has also made room for an acid whose sole purpose is to eat away at the edges of the crumbled rock, leaving big gaps in the midst of the areas that are trying to mend back together. I mean, the foundation was fragile anyway.

Anywho Ö we didnít get anywhere. I asked him if he was satisfied with our relationship and he said Ďyes and noí. I didnít press for an explanation because Ö I decided I wasnít ready to dive into that one at that time. I expressed to him that I felt like our communication was tapering off and it was also hard for me to get a Ďreadí on him (Iím pretty good at being guided by the energy projected by people) and, because of that, it throws me off as far as approaching him about certain things and interacting with him. I probably havenít shared but he takes medication that, pretty much, buries his emotions. I guess that may be a little strong but, I think, he places a lot of cushioning between his emotions and the surface so, when heís at full dose, itís hard for me to reach them, connect to them, and feed from them.

He has been busying himself with his own projects over the last week or so, taking advantage of his time off, which has resulted in a few days of no communication between us. Being that it was his request that we have daily communication it made me a bit anxious. Last night, he explained that when one or both of us are preoccupied with other things, then itís not so important. I think part of my problem is a problem Iím experiencing in various areas of my life right now Ė consistency and communication. Personally, Iím never Ďthatí preoccupied to where I cannot send a quick message daily, if that is the agreement. I may not be able to send a message response after my first, in a timely manner, but I make the time to send the first one or respond to an initial message sent to me, at least. I must also admit, I have grown to look forward to that daily communication and consider it a regular, unconscious part of my day. I also inquired about his continued education in poly relationships since this is his first go-round. He stated that he hasn't been doing it consistent but here and there but he has not put continuing to learn out of his mind.

A few weeks back, we discussed communicating more. Well, we discussed the fact that we both say we are waiting on the otherís text and I explain that I do not text as much as I would like because I donít want to interfere in his Ďnon Eklctcí time. He expressed, visibly irritated, that no matter how many times he has told me that I would not be infringing on his time and to text if I wanted to text, it didnít matter because I still referred back to my same concerns whenever I showed an interest in reaching out to him. So Ö I started texting him more, ya know, with idol chat, things going on in my day, questions that came to mind, etc. Now, he can only text me periodically throughout the day when heís at work and his regularly scheduled activities. I understood that. Then our evenings were filled with more chatter as he settled in. It was nice. Well, that didnít last long because it came to a point where I felt the correspondence was one-sided. There were days where he would respond early in the day (usually a little after lunch) and then I wouldnít get a response from him for the remainder of that day or night. I understand things come up and I understand that, sometimes, people just donít Ďfeel like ití; however, a little communication doesnít hurt. A message to say, ĎIím busier/more tired/more mentally preoccupied/etc than I thought I would be and may need some timeí or whatever. This way, my mind could be at ease, for the most part, that he is dealing with something (not related to something I did or said) and allows me to grant him the space he needs. Am I speaking Greek or am I Greek or whatever culture/species that would cause these things to come across as foreign?

*sigh*
After we took a break in our 'not quite' conversation, I just could not vocalize my thoughts they way I needed to so I concluded the conversation. I told him that I was going to start sending him email with some of my ramblings and questions (rhetorical and non) before I excused myself.

After I slept on it, I decided that it would be best to wait until after the holiday season to start sharing my in-depth thoughts with him. I don't celebrate the holidays in the traditional sense but I know it is a big time for many people and can be stressful as well. Plus, it is a time to enjoy loved ones and just be light-hearted for many and I didn't want to have any parts of ruining that, though, I don't believe this to be a 'ruining' phase but I never know how these things might affect him so I don't want to take my chances. Yes, my considerate self. Always thinking of everyone but me. *wonkwooonnkkk* I did ask him to consider his thoughts on our relationship, his feelings, etc because I don't want to be preparing myself to open wide up if it's unnecessary. Meaning, he may not be where I am and I do not want a repeat of Halloween weekend when I went in hoping to have a heart-to-heart and continue to build on a deep relationship just to find out the relationship I thought we were working on never existed ... and for such superficiality. I don't want to be there. That would go badly.

I am going to use this time to really hone in on my greatest and deepest concerns. Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of anxiety due to my own guilt. I've had to travel a lot over the last six weeks, thereby, missing out on my time with P. From what I'm told, the main reason he considered a relationship of this nature was due to the unavailability of his wife at this time so... what's the benefit of seeing someone else who becomes just as unavailable?

...to be continued
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