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Old 12-23-2010, 07:12 PM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 21
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Somebody tell me that it's perfectly okay to say I don't WANT this. I don't. I WANT the feelings a mutually monogamous relationship give me. I DON'T want to share my wife's affection, love, whatever it is that you want call it. Nope. Not for me. I. DON'T. WANT. IT.

I'm tired of being accused of not accepting her "as she is." Oh yeah? If this is how you are, you should have said something TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO before we got married and had THREE FUCKING KIDS.

So now, she gets mad at me for being on the fence. I don't want to live with this. I don't want to drink whatever Kool-Aid it is that monos drink to be perfectly okay married to a poly. Fuck, no. I don't want it. But I don't want to leave. I don't want to start over. I don't want to disrupt my kids' lives. I don't want to support TWO households financially now (she doesn't work).

And yes, I'm actually talking to my old girlfriend again (I think I called her Bree on this forum). Hell, met her again IRL last weekend. Fucked her brains out (when I could actually manage to get it up, which was difficult, thanks to this total mindfuck of a situation). More sure than ever that I love her - Only I can't tell her this because she's so weirded out by all this that the ONLY way she'd agree to see me is if we didn't apply labels to anything and was just "us." I mentioned last night on the phone I'd like to see her more regularly and she said she sees the appeal, but it would put our label-less friendship at risk. So apparently I've messed her up in the head so bad that she can't even consider a real relationship now.

So...

Stay. And be miserable being fucking cuckolded once a week against my will and told that any objection to it just isn't being fair.

Or...

Leave. Fuck up my kids' heads for life. Ruin myself financially at 32. And hope and pray that maybe Bree comes around to wanting something real with me. Or play the field, something I never was any good at when I was single.

Fuck this shit so god damned much.
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