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Old 12-21-2010, 07:08 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 42
Default Loneliness, self-consciousness, and Mal

Last night I was really struggling with loneliness. We had some issues yesterday morning (car troubles) that really brought home to me that I don't have any good friends in the area. And, the first person I'd been really in-depth messaging on OKC hasn't messaged me in over a week, and some things on her profile make me think that she's continuing to message others. I'm looking forward to spending time with family over Christmas, but apprehensive because there is so much (including Poly) that I'm not willing to talk about with them just yet. To top it all off, Mal has found a group of people that he enjoys spending time with on Xbox Live, and he's spent a ton of time on there over the last week. Great for him, I'm really glad that he's socializing and enjoying it, but it just emphasizes even more for me just how little I have in the way of friends.

I journaled a lot last night, mostly about being lonely / wanting close friends and/or a female partner, and I think I hit on something that I'm really going to need to deal with. I have a tendency to think that the slightest sign of dislike towards me from another person means that they hate me, think I'm ugly or dumb or horribly arrogant. It's really hard for me to say that maybe it was just circumstances, or maybe it's not personal, or maybe they do hate, say, science geeks, and I should just move on and not beat myself up about it. I think this is part of the reason that I have such a hard time taking the initiative to make friends and include myself in social groups. I see someone's face quirk when they look in my direction, and I think, "They don't really like me, they think I'm dumb, I should just stay away and not make it awkward." Maybe that's the case sometimes, but I think I spend too much time worrying about what people think of me and not enough time just being myself, being nice to others, and having fun. Mal's said that about me since I knew him lol I think it's one of the issues I'm going to have to work on fixing in myself on my journey to develop a social group and maybe another relationship.

I asked Mal again today on how he's feeling with "me looking for a girlfriend." He basically said that he doesn't know how he feels. I could psychoanalyze it for hours, but... I don't think it's really worth it. He seems supportive, he hasn't asked me to stop, I think he's really appreciated the work I've put in to 'acts of love' recently, so I'm not going to worry about it too much unless and until he says otherwise. I'll keep asking him periodically and letting him know how things are going.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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