Oh so lost
I have a million things to say and ask, and now I don't know where to start. I like to organize my thoughts, which are currently a big giant mess, so here is my mess:
I never thought I wanted to be polyamorous, and I don't know if I want that now. My boyfriend of many years has often thought about it and wanted it, but he has been monogamous for my sake. We have had a few sexual threesome experiences, which I enjoyed, and I do miss being sexual with a woman. Lately we have been searching that out again mostly because he wants it, but also because I would get to be with a woman. It is a difficult search, and I am picky, which caused us to fight recently. I asked him why he was suddenly so impatient about it, and he took the rest of the day to think about it. When we talked, he expressed that he's not sure if occasional threesomes will satisfy his desire for a polyamorous relationship. He wants to be with me, and knows that's not what I want, but he thinks he wants a triad relationship.
So we are still searching out a sexual threesome, because it has been a while and he's never been "allowed" (due to my comfort level) to be completely involved with the other woman during a threesome. The question is, if he gets that, will his desire be satisfied. By the way, that is not a question I'm looking for an answer for on here, because I don't think anyone can know that. My questions are about me, and if there's some far out chance that a full polyamorous relationship could work for me.
I'm amazed that I'm even considering this as a remote option. I've always been best with people one on one, even in friendships. I've also had issues with jealousy, and I'm proud to say I've improved, but by no means have I overcome jealousy as an issue. Still, I've overcome many issues in my life for the better and believe in things now that years ago I never would have seen for myself. So is it possible that this type of relationship that I can't imagine working for me could be really good for me? Would the love of two people be worth the struggle to overcome the jealousy of my bf being with another woman? I see so much possible drama from 3 people being together, while my bf just sees more love and more opportunity to better each other. Part of me feels like he just gets bored in the routine of our relationship and everyday life, and he sees a third person as a way to mix things up. I don't know. I just needed someone to talk to about all this who might possibly know what I'm talking about, and I don't know any polyamorous people (well, who have their heads on straight).
So I know that was long, and thank you to anyone who stuck with me. Please let me know if you have any thoughts.