firstly thank you so much for the responses.
patricks sexual problems started happening 3 years ago. they coincide with his depression/weight gain. sex prior to that was sex( it was good ). so no it isn't something that came up when D(my soul mate) came back into my life.
@redpepper - thank you for pointing out that there is more to a relationship and relationships don't have to involve sex.
Patrick is great. he is good with anything. he finds happiness in my happiness. i just miss the happiness in expressing my love to him. its something i used to enjoy and now it turns me off. the loss hurts me. i have given him leeway to look elsewhere but at this time in his life it probably will be pretty impossible.
everything is changing in my life and it is kinda overwhelming. i just got unengaged and that hurt but i understand it a little. D moved in with us(we desperately needed a roommate and he desperately needed a place. D and Patrick are becoming good friends...but are having problems learning to. communicate. but like i said both are really really amazing guys.
Patrick is going through a rough patch himself due to personal issues as well as financial due to being back in school. but having d live with us has solved the financial issues. i digress though
i still feel terrible about not physically wanting Patrick. This is something that started out with me disliking kissing about 3 years ago till now which it is full fledged feeling of wrongness when i do it. (kiss or try to be intimate) i don't think there is a way to teach myself to desire my man again ( i wish i could)(he is happy with whatever) i love him, and i am in the start of rebuilding the relationship with D. but i love D as well.
the really hard thing though is with our current families. my family absolutely hates D. They wont support my relationship and want children from Patrick and me. I don't know how to explain to them that this probably wont be happening and i wont' be getting married to him. the situation is all around complicated. i know it is worth it just so many changes in such a short time.
i still feel guilty about Patrick though. i wish that i could want him that way again. maybe it isn't something that is permanent. but i am just kinda lost with the sadness i feel. both my partners are happy.
anyway all my best wishes to people. if people want to talk on a more personal level i have the Facebook thing.