anger at self need advice
ok well here it goes,
i am really lucky, i have two men in my life that are wonderful.
the problem i have is that the man that i was engaged to(no longer engaged because he wants my other partner to be on equal footing), whom i love, i have grown to hate intimate contact with him. kissing him makes me almost sick to my stomach and does not evoke any feelings of physical attraction. yes he is aware of this. it feels wrong when we make love. things in this relationship have been going downhill physically for at least three years. both Patric and me love each other dearly. He has been having problems in that area even though he is 27. he cannot get it up or keep it up(yes i know this is graphic, sorry if i offend). so for both of us this side of the relationship has died. we love sleeping next to each other and cuddling. We talk and laugh and fight just like any other couple that lives together. To loose each other(ie breakup) would devastate us. we have always been more friends then lovers. I feel terrible not being able to comfortably express physically my love for him. He is going through a tough time right now due to some illness and severe attention deficit disorder which involves inattention.
add to the pile my first boyfriend coming back into my life ( Patrick fully supports this). the physical intimacy is amazing on with this person. the love is extreme. if i were ever to say that there was such a thing as soul mates he would be the one.
so i love two people. which is weird because even though i have lots of friends that are in many different version of poly relationships i am not quiet comfortable with it internally yet. i mentally want this. but i was raised as a mono and am still having problems moving away form preset notions. i choose this relationship and am happy with the way things are i am having sever problems with not being able to love Patrick and be intimate with him. he just doesn't do it that way for me and i feel terrible about it. he is aware of this and tells me its ok but i am still feeling guilty.
the other thing is that i am turning 30 this year. last year my drive for intimacy jumped through the roof. i never was this way before and now this causes me to feel weird. i don't know how to be OK with this.
my soul mate is new to poly as well. he is just learning with the rest of us because this is all new to us.
how do i be ok with my want of lots of intimacy with my soul mate and be ok with the fact that i don't physically want Patrick. i feel terrible. i mean i love them both deeply. i have given Patrick the OK to seek elsewhere if he wants. but i still feel the loss of the ability to love Patrick in a intimate way.