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Old 12-19-2010, 11:08 AM
oklawildflower oklawildflower is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5
Default hurting and confused about poly?

So I've read a little in the forums and I can see some similar stories. I've been married 5 years and last October I finally realized that I am bi. I fell in love with my best friend. It was a weird situation. My husband and I had been discussing my sexuality some months before...And he was frightened but trying to be supportive. At that time I just felt different and potentially attracted to other females. I felt whole having him accept me and all my confusing feelings and the immediate issues went away...
I didn't handle the situation well as I figured out my feelings for my best friend. I cheated on my husband once with her. He was kinda supportive before I cheated because I was telling him about my feelings for her, but in all honestly we just weren't ready for where this was taking us. Which is why I was too scard to say anything to him before I took bigger steps with her. I eventually told him and we tried to work through some of those issues. He continued to be supportive but we were still struggling with everything. Later we moved out of state for his job. I continued the emotional aspect of my relationship with my best friend with my husband's knowledge. This summer my husband met a woman who he developed an intense connection. I had previously told him if he met someone to let me know so we could figure this out together. He was too afraid to tell me and cheated on me for a few weeks before I found out. We had a big talk and decided that we wanted to try and be together while maintaining our outside relationships. We had virtually no idea what poly was at that point. Their relationship is a LDR for the most part. She is here for some holidays... Like now. We've decided to try to do this as two primary relationships. But I am struggling so much. I've bought books and read up on this stuff but I am still on this emotional roller coaster. I'm a first year teacher and beyond over-whelmed with that. My husband's job is equally demanding. I've been trying to work on my feelings and not dump them on him or look to him to fix me. I tend toward that. But that leaves me unsure what things I should be saying to him. I've met her and we get along. She is wonderful. Right now she is staying with us since she is only in the area temporarily. I felt good to open up my home to her but I have a hard time seeing them together. It is often very hard for me to see them cuddle. I get the theory of the poly thing but I'm not sure if I can live it. Also 2 days ago my husband and i had a big talk. I've been maintaining from the begenning that I want to try this but I'm not positive I can handle it. He is an emotional shut in and I have been working to get him to open up more and more. He told me that he has experienced a whole new level of love with her that he never knew existed. And that he loves her more. Though he still wants to be with me too and wants to see this work. I have been an emotional wreck since that conversation. I literally feel like he just told me he doesn't love me at all. I know that's not what he said but it absolutely freaks me out. I don't know what to do or how to work through this. I feel like we've all come a long way from where we were in the beginning but I'm not sure how to pick myself up from here.
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