I agree with Mono that a lot of your hurt is caused by the fallout of the affair.
You and her and even to a small extent her new friend will need to work through that. I was in a similar position to you. I made the decision to consciously forgive my wife within the first few days of our Vee starting up. Otherwise I knew I would not have been able to function day to day with her at all, and we had to protect the kids too at the beginning. But it was very hard. Hurt and anger used to come out when I did not want it to.
She used to seem very hard to me at times even when she insisted she was vulnerable and needed to be understood.
This will take everything of you and you will feel used up sometimes.
About question 2, I would not try to force yourself to try to be poly. If you had wanted to be poly in the last 20 years you would already know about it. Why add more shit to the top of your pile? See how things go first. Give yourself time.
Actually a Vee has its own symmetry and balance. You may feel it is unfair at the moment, that she is "having her cake and eating it." It is almost certainly more difficult for her right now than you realise. She is not trying to hurt you.
You are in a process now. One day you will wake up and realise you are actually happy and its all OK.
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"
Last edited by vodkafan; 12-18-2010 at 11:53 PM.