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Old 12-18-2010, 11:28 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
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Originally Posted by Polymonial View Post

1. Do the hurt feelings ever go away? Have any monos in this group ever made it through successfully to being completely happy in this type of relationship, or am I doomed to a life of hurt feelings if I stay?
Poly is not the source of your pain here my friend. Being betrayed, kept in the dark and made to feel a fool are. You're wife had an affair first and came out as poly second if I read your post correctly. You need to deal with the affair. Couples counselling perhaps. If you don't get over her betrayal, you may as well forget about ever being healthy in a V. Sure you could stay in the relationship, full of resentment and feeling half the man you once were, but that is no way to live; better to be on your own IMO.
This means she has to own up to her betrayal and be willing to do the work too...otherwise she might not be as poly as she says she is. By this I mean that it could be easier for her to claim to still be in love with you so the external conditions of her life do not change. Would you be happy in the role of safety blanket/financial support,/homecare. Challenge her to work with you.

Originally Posted by Polymonial View Post
2. Can I change myself into a poly (or at least to feel good about being in a poly relationship) by using, for example, a 12-step behavior modification approach to retrain my thinking and feelings? Has anyone done this successfully? Or would I just be bottling up my emotions and setting the relationship up for failure?

Opinions will be varied on this question. Here's my take: if your mono wired, (not saying you are...some people are conditioned mono) you only have intimate/romantic attachment to one at a time. If you push it you may run the risk of replacing your wife. Is she willing to take that chance? Are you?
I considered this when I first fell in love with Redpepper...then I realized that going down a path to attempt altering who I fundamentally was was a path that would likely lead to damaging myself and undoing the self awareness work I had spent a lifetime accomplishing. I am more mono now than ever and I am happy and healthy with my married poly girlfriend
I think this answered question 3 too.

Other true to yourself, stay healthy and don't be a afraid to hurt more to be in pain less.

Take care

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

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