Help! I'm struggling as my mono marriage of 20 years is turning poly
My wife and I have been happily married for almost 20 years, we have two kids, and we've been best friends (as well as lovers) since the day we met. Just over a week ago, I found out that she's bi (she only realized this herself about 7 months ago), that she fell in love with another woman, that she still loves me just as much as always, and that she wants a polyamorous "vee" relationship between the three of us.
I'm a hopeless mono, and for the past week, my whole world has been shattered. I love my wife and want to stay with her, but I can't stand the thought of sharing her with someone else. I feel hurt, betrayed, taken advantage of, that this is a one-sided relationship, unequal, unfair, ... At the same time, I can tell that this is something she's been missing, and that she is so much more vibrant, self-confident, and alive now. I love how happy she is, and I love that she still loves me just as much (if not more) than before.
I'm going to give it a try, but ultimately I don't know if I'm capable of pulling it off. I wonder to myself, as a mono in a "poly/mono vee" relationship:
1. Do the hurt feelings ever go away? Have any monos in this group ever made it through successfully to being completely happy in this type of relationship, or am I doomed to a life of hurt feelings if I stay?
2. Can I change myself into a poly (or at least to feel good about being in a poly relationship) by using, for example, a 12-step behavior modification approach to retrain my thinking and feelings? Has anyone done this successfully? Or would I just be bottling up my emotions and setting the relationship up for failure?
3. Should I try going "full poly", i.e. fully embrace the poly lifestyle, invite additional partners, maybe even turn our "vee" into an "N" with my own secondary (or even a new primary) to balance the one-sidedness of this relationship? *Or would this just be emotional, reactionary, and destructive?
4. What other support groups would you recommend I reach out to for help?
5. What other advise do you have for me?
Thank you for any help or support you may have.