Met my poly guy online a little over a year ago. He is living with a partner. (He's hetero, she's bi, and I'm hetero, female) It was the first I'd ever heard of poly. At first I was "No way. Not for me. Fine for others." But then as I did a lot of reading and talking with our guy I became much more open and receptive to the idea. I told him at various times, however, that I wasn't interested in being a "secondary" partner, but in becoming part of a poly-family of sorts with a possible sister-wife, brother-husband combination. I was interested in shared decision making, etc. He said he never wanted me to be a secondary partner either, and he was the one who had raised the idea of a core poly-family with me in the first place. (With the idea that people could have relationships of various types outside of this core family.)
One of my concerns above and beyond the whole sharing of sexual partners, etc. was how one ever found the time for multiple partners. I raised the issue at the time with our guy specifically, noting that I'd found it hard when I had been married, raising children and working part-time out of the home to find enough time for myself, my partner, and my children, much less considering how to add additional partners into the mix. (Although I did have good friends I got together with once in a great while.) He didn't see it as a problem, feeling like there was enough love to go around and that it would all work out.
So, we eventually met in-person and hit it off well. I meet his partner and she and I hit it off well as friends. We lived 7 hours a part, however, which made things challenging. I made the decision...after talking with them...to move closer to them, and did so this past September. I did NOT move ONLY to live closer to them, but it was definitely a major factor in my decision to move. I had been wanting to move to a warmer climate with easier winters anyhow, and where they lived fit this criteria, too. I had to find a job in the new area first before I would move, which I was able to do.
I lived with our couple for one month while looking for an apartment in the town where I worked. (The town where I work is about 64 miles from where they live.) When I moved in with them it was with the understanding that it was a temporary living situation. I thought maybe I could find a place to rent in the area where they live and commute, but that drive was just too long for me to make on a daily basis.
I found a place in the town where I work and moved out. I must admit it was very hard at first because I was used to seeing our guy...my couple..on a daily basis. He and I had slept together every other night on the average. Our time together wasn't always exclusive to he and I. It often involved other family and friends which I was ok with. It was just nice to be around him and the family. (She has a 9 year old son from a prior marriage, so there's parenting responsibilities involved. She also was working and going to college up until early this month. He said things should settle down better after she graduated...which she did on Dec. 9th)
He reassured me that although we certainly wouldn't be able to see each other daily, that he thought we would be able to work something out where we could get together on one week night and that we also had weekends at their place or him at mine.
Now....he tells me last week that he doesn't have the time and energy to commit to any kind of scheduled or regular contact with me. I was asking for once a week, with me being willing to do the driving, and willing to be flexible enough to spend the time with other family members involved, too. (I'm single and have my children raised and out of the home, so I have greater flexibility.) He said he hadn't meant to ever mislead me and that he was sorry, but he underestimated the energy his new job would take and even though his partner has graduated she'll be starting a new job which is challenging and stressful...etc...etc...etc. He says his love for me hasn't changed. He'll see me "when he can".
I'm sick at heart and I'm hurting bad. Just needed to vent. Would appreciate a few words of caring and support if anyone has a few to spare.