Just to give you something to think about on your drive...
I think a lot of fear we will never be good enough. That people are always keeping score. When having disagreements, people often bring up the past because it is hard to forget past hurts. But to us, when hearing it brought up and again and again, we are left thinking that someone is keeping score and if we don't do enough to make up for the bad things, we will never redeem ourselves.
The thing is,unconditional love is a bit different. When someone loves you unconditionaly, there is no score marker.
I don't keep score of your mistakes vs when everything is going right. I do expect you to acknowledge your mistakes and work on making the changes needed so they don't happen again. But I don't have a tally going.
And I think once you come to accept yourself, and love yourself and forgive yourself, you'll find that the world isn't looking at you as criticaly as you think it is. I think you may be projecting your own fears and guilt.
And there is nothing wrong with that, in the way that your still learning all of this and it is completely natural to do think the world looks at you under the same magnifying glass you do. When in reality, that just isn't the case.
My favorite therepist through the years told me something that I have carried with me since I was 10. " You are your highest judge, your worst critic and the executioner without a heart. So if you can forgive yourself, if you can see your worth, if you can be proud of your accomplishments, then what the hell does it matter what the rest of the world thinks?"
I know where your gonna go with that, but stop for a minute and think about it first. We carry guilt, not becuase of the person we harmed, but for ourselves. We were bad, we hurt someone, we didn't help, we weren't good enough, if we self punish, then no one can hurt us worse than what we do to ourselves.
Your past molded who you are. It does for all of us. We make decisions and changes based on the things we experience in our day to day life.
But as I told Cricket so many months ago, your letting the past dictate your future. Yes it has influence, yes you still have scars, but it's time to let them just be scars. Stop cutting them back open, stop reliving it. You are NOT who you were then. You are better for it. You are more compassionate because of it. But you are not still living it. It's time is over. You have walked that path long ago, it's time to take the lessons learned and move onto another path.
Not saying forget about, you can't just forget those things. I am saying take what you've learned and go forward. Stop living by the rules of the past. Your mom has no bearing on who you choose to be now. There are no highschool bullies ready to kick your ass. You are in charge of your life now.
Forgive yourself, heal yourself and move forward.