Thursday, Dec. 16 2010.
Realizing what a mess I really am. Last night, after talking with Panda, I realized that I can't do anything just for the sake of enjoying it. I have to "win" or "succeed" at what I'm doing, or I feel like I'm not "good enough". I can't accept defeat. I can't quit fighting or trying until I "win". And if I can't learn -quickly- from these failiures, I get frusterated and start wondering what's wrong with me, IE "why am I not good enough to do this?" Evn if I do, those failures still haunt me. "Yes, I finally won, but he beat me three times before that." Then I start almost obsessing over ways to "erase" or "cancel out" those defeats, to make them "not count against me".
Not count against me according to whom? Who's keeping score here?
So, after talking to Cricket today, I realized that I think everyone is keeping score. I feel that I have to earn people's acceptance and love, lke I have to do something for them or prove myself "worthy" of them before they'll want me around. So, I have to constantly prove to myself that I am still "worthy" of them - them being basically everyone I meet - because if I don't, if I'm not "worthy", then they will either shun me, or leave me and shun me. This is part of what terrifies me about Cricket and I taking a break - I'm scared out of my mind that she'll realize that she doesn't need me and find someone "better" or "more deserving" than I am, and toss me aside - at the very least as a lover, if not entirely. So even though we're taking a break, if I'm not right here, ready to prove my love/devotion/worthiness to her, she'll move on. Logically, I KNOW better, but I can't get around this right now. Not yet, anyway.
I need to understand why I'm like this before I an figure out how to change it, I think. I know that as things stand, I have no idea how to change it...
UPDATE: Hung out with Cricket and J tonight.... didn't really want J there, but I'll take what I can get right now, I guess. She reassured me that she's not going to kick me out of her life, that she'll always want me around "at least as a friend". That is simultaneously comforting and terrifying at the same time.
Let's face it, I don't want to be "just friends". But, one step at a time. She ABSOLUTELY NEEDS THIS right now. I have no idea how things will end with either one of us right now, and I have no right to expect her to commit to anything with anyone, even if I do love her - possibly even more so because I love her. I'm trying to make myself accept this, with verying degrees of success from hour to hour. I really have no idea how to "accept" something like this without constantly stewing on it, trying to figure out how to "make it work". It seems like such a simple thing - "This is how things are right now. I can't do anything about it". So why can't I stop this pattern in my head? Why can't I just see that fact and walk away for now?
Back to wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and how to change it.
This is my family. It may be little, and broken, but it's still good. Yeah, still good.