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Old 12-17-2010, 08:24 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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I just wrote a long email to Leo telling him that how I feel and requesting that we go back to being friends that meet for a drink every now and then (not even once a month). I am not in this game to hurt and harm people. I want to be free to love in helping all rather than in harming and I don't see that happening as a result of our relationship being closer than it has been in the past.

I looked at our pictures of camping and skiing together as two families that enjoy each others time together and I don't want to be the cause of that to change. I asked him if he did and wait now for a reply. Perhaps it is worth striving for more closeness for him. I don't know yet.

I'm confused about how to have integrity in this situation and remain true to myself and my values. I have been asked to have a DADT of sorts with Mono and I feel it brushes up against the value I have of being honest. I figure if I can't talk about what I do, then I should bloody well not do it. But then that brushes up against Mono's need for me to have as much freedom as possible, with some limits. What do I go with here? My need for honesty and openness or his need for me to have as much freedom as he can bare and therefore not tell him stuff.

I'm stumped and confused and tired and just plain sad. I want to disappear from it all and hide in my room alone, pretending I don't exist for awhile.

.................

I went to see Derby today who has struggles of her own going on... we were a support to one another I think and I was grateful that her and I think a like on so many things... it makes it hard to empathize with others sometimes, but we strategies around how to accomplish that and we muse about how others might feel quite often in order to move forward some how. I appreciate and am grateful for her support and that she allows me to support her too.
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