As I have been sifting through my emotions and thoughts, I have uncovered something.
I realize that I don't feel like I am a priority for P. I mean, I know I am not 'the' priority but even as a secondary I still have the right to some prioritizing, don't I? I mean, yes, he does give me tokens reflecting that he has thought of me and make time to see me during the week but I don't think that consists of him going out of his way to do anything he wouldn't already be doing if I hadn't entered his life. I mean, he may work late on a more consistent basis on those weekday evenings but I truly believe he would still regularly be at home watching TV, playing games or with his cat, or doing home improvement tasks.
I guess, since I've never really filled the secondary role this is new terrain for me as well. I have always been a primary partner in my previous multipartner relationships, even though, my partners were couples, thereby, already having a primary partner.
I am used to someone entering my life and, from that point, never imagining life without me, regardless, of our relationship status or 'ranking'. It's hard to swallow when that doesn't seem to be the case.
I, sometimes, wonder the intention behind our continued relationship. I mean, I know that I am midway on his scale of companionship and I want to ask if he truly feels something genuine and deep for me or is this something he holds on to because of the difficulty he has previously had with meeting women who he was attracted to, compatible with, and who were open to polyamory and various possibilities regarding the relationship involvement. And, if he does truly feel something genuine and deep for me, is that what fuels the relationship solely or is there more substance to it than that. I mean, I don't want to paint the picture that we do not have commonalities because we do but I just wonder how satisfying the relationship really is to him.
Sometimes, I get the impression that he believes I am more into him than is true. Same conclusion I came to when his wife decided she wanted to change the nature of the relationship between her and I. I am into him But not so much to where I don't see his faults and not so much to where I can't walk away. I know that I am out of shape, may not be as attractive to him as, say, his wife may be, but I bring my own components to the equation; some that she is capable of but just doesn't have the time and, others, that she is not capable of. I think that is one of the joys of being in multipartner relationships. You enjoy everyone for their individuality. One thing about me is, I've always known I was a rare find and, though, I am pampering, affectionate, and expressive, I lead by example not infatuation, codependence, or emotional energy so, in my eyes, anyone who has the opportunity to play a role in my life should, first, take note if they want to stay in it but, also, I believe these people walk away with a piece of me in their spirit, take great joy in our experiences and always remember me, regardless, of my extra weight, not so perfect hair/face, and my nuances because...I am a being of divine love that even I have not fully accepted, embraced, and utilized but I know it's there and it is powerful and it grabs a hold of people and absorbs into their spirit to stay within them for all eternity (poetic, I know:P). They will always remember the sensations, emotions, and reflections felt due to my presence in their lives positively or melancholy(depends on the reason for the separation) yet without animosity. So...I'm sorry but I'm not the desperate 'work in progress' holding on to what I can for as long as I can. Far from that. With that said, it would take someone extremely similar to me, in foundation, to totally bewitch me and I have yet to meet anyone who can match or exceed my caliber, candor, or commitment.
I think I digressed.
I think I am overly introspective right now as a result of the time of year, financial burdens, pondering goals and dreams unrealized and the absence of the means to achieve them, and so on which just adds to whatever emotional reflections I am having.