Finally Home & More
After five weeks of business travel, I am finally home for a spill. My last week of travel wasn't so bad but, since it was very short notice, I wasn't prepared for (or moreso in the mood for) socializing and company, though, I did extend an invitation to a couple of people to come help me clothe a bit of vulnerability I was feeling.
I didn't feel so connected to P during the last week. There were a couple of days (between Tuesday and Friday) where the last communication I had from him, for that day, was during the afternoon, leaving me with many hours to sit and let my mind wander. Though, he is the one that originally requested daily communication, I have grown accustomed to it being ongoing and it is a part of my day...a part of him...that I look forward to but it was lacking. One day, he did explain that he had an up and down day, which is fine, but ... *sigh*. It's the communication thing. I know, through observation, that the overall communication in his primary relationship is not what they portray it to be and it filters this way. I mean, it only takes a few keystrokes to say, "I'm feeling some kind of way today and may not be so responsive, fyi." That gives me a heads up, lets me know it's probably not anything I've said or done, and allows me to comfortably give the space needed without feeling anxious. It made me feel like an old toy collecting dust on the shelf.
Anywho...on top of feeling a bit forgotten, I was in such a mental state from the traveling I had been doing and the projects that it turned out to be more of a rude awakening when I realized I was visiting my old city of residency during the week of my exe's birthday and our would be anniversary. The birthday popped up on its own but a mutual friend actually reminded me of the anniversary. Though, I do not desire to be back with my exe, I cannot remove the love in my heart for him but, nor, can I remove the pain caused by opening myself up to that love. I have not spoken to my exe since I walked out and moved to the opposite coast in November 2008 and have thwarted every attempt he has made to get a response from me but, via mutual friends, I know that I am still a big part of his life and he is ever open to receiving me. I don't know how my mind feels about that but my heart operates on its own logic so I would rather avoid any circumstances that will bring these things to the surface at this time because, regardless, it wouldn't change anything.
So...I made it home after my coworker's car overheated three times on the way to the airport and my flight was delayed almost two hours from its scheduled departure time. P picked me up from the airport and I was able to enjoy a deliciously loving first night back (Sunday) with him and a chill night with him last night. I've already managed to give him two December trinkets which should hold over until I decide what I want to get him for January.
I think there may be something sitting on me right now but I cannot pinpoint what it is. I've just started feeling this weight but I don't really know if it's an energy in the relationship or is it an individual thing. I'm sure it will come to light here shortly and I can sort through it accordingly. I know that I have been pondering how P really feels about me of lately. I mean, I know what he has voiced but I don't always feel a connection in his actions so I have a desire for details (i.e. why, how do you know, how strongly do you feel, etc). I think ever since Halloween weekend and H's revelation, I've been seeking validation and reassurance in my relationship with P and I've been questioning the genuinity of our interactions.
Okay, I think I have more to say but I am tired. See you on the other side.~