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Old 12-15-2010, 02:04 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrangerinKS View Post
The thing is, it doesn't feel inside like I would be "crawling back." It feels more like wanting to heal and rebuild something even better than what we had. But perhaps I am just deluding myself.
It doesn't sound to me like you're deluding yourself. It sounds more like you see possibility with her still, and you realize you broke it off hastily, but are now trying to be very, very, ver-rr-ry careful. It seems quite plausible that there's still the chance of rebuilding the relationship with your lover, as lovers, and it turning out to be really great -- even if your wife doesn't approve. At first. I don't know how beneficial it is to tiptoe around her about it, it's like you're walking on eggshells. If you told your wife that in your heart you think it feels right and you can work it out, how can she deny you? Plus, I think it's more detrimental to the relationship with your lover to wait too long to ask if you can try again, but that could be just me. I like answers right away so I can move forward.
Quote:
When my lover told me I was no longer her primary interest because of the fact that I was having insecurity issues, that was kind of the final straw for my wife.
Why would your wife be mad at her for that? I still don't see how your lover created any problems. The problems you had, from what you've written here, appear to have risen out of your insecurities and possessiveness. Personally, I don't see how you could have been a primary for your lover (since that label is so important to you), given the distance, time available, and that she is married, too.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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