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Old 12-14-2010, 10:36 PM
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mushaboom mushaboom is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northern California
Posts: 17
Red face Opening up to myself...

I've been on here a few weeks and I've found myself starting posts and then not finishing them because I'm not necessarily looking for direct advice (although I welcome it) but more just support, community and a place to feel safe exploring my own feelings. Hence this here blog.

I started realizing that I have always wanted/needed (not sure which it is yet) a poly lifestyle about a year ago when I fell hard for a girl that I worked with, even though I was also engaged to a wonderful guy who I am crazy in love with as well. It first started as a silly drunken confession to my partner to be and slowly over months and months turned into potential triad on its own...he and I knew nothing about what we were doing and we really ended up burning that relationship with our friend mostly because I was just too terrified (and I mean literally TERRIFIED) to ever really bring it up for fear that she would think we were disgusting, awful people. Self-hate much? Yup! There were other issues there too, she hated intimacy in general, hated being touched, hated having anyone do anything for her, which in my head reinforced that everything I was feeling for her was 'wrong'. I ended up telling her how I felt in a text, I know its not very brave or nice but I just couldn't stand it anymore. She ended up taking it worse than I thought - said something about how she would never hide being 'afflicted' with gayness like I had been. It was an especially strange response since she isn't at all religious or conservative and never seemed intolerant of other people being gay. I seemed to have hit a sore spot.

I have been struggling with my sexuality my whole life, not feeling accepted in the gay or straight world, feeling I don't belong anywhere and not having the self-confidence to tell the world to F off. But, I have always always known I was queer and I think I started to stuff those thoughts and feelings in my early teen age years because I didn't think anyone could understand or accept me. I actually did try to reach out to gay friends of mine and they we're just as uncomfortable with my confessions as I was. I was introduced to the perilous perch of the dreaded fence sitter. I would later come out to my long-term boyfriends, one very short lived girlfriend whom I wasn't really attracted to, and a few close friends but it was always a secret.

My friends brutal response was a turning point for me, before her I had always been able to explain away or devalue my attractions to other women, but my attraction to her was just so intense it was impossible to deny. I am really grateful for that experience even though it was pretty painful, falling for her finally got me to confront my sexuality head on and if it wasn't for her I don't know how long it would have taken for me to finally 'come out'.

To be continued...
I hadn't expected to write much about all that but I guess it really needed to be said. But I'm still a year behind in my story.

Last edited by mushaboom; 12-15-2010 at 12:45 AM. Reason: added tags
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