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Old 12-14-2010, 08:08 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Check out "Non violent communication" (Rosenburg) that is what we follow. In the stickies there is a thread on communication too, that might help. Or do a search for tags.

Conflict resolution starts with stating what you see in facts... the observations first, then talking about what feelings come up because of the observations, then talking about your needs and then requesting how to make a change to the situation... I don't hear you doing these things with your husband. I think you need to start telling your husband how his words to you make you feel for starters and then what you need from him and how he can accomplish that. Ask him to do the same, ask how he feels in terms of "I" statements, not "you did this," or even "I feel like this because you.." He really needs to check in with himself when he thinks about his feelings... what is underneath what he says for him... it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with HIS feelings and needs.

Your boyfriend has his own stuff going on with his wife and that is not your business unless it effects you. It sounds like it is, so perhaps he could also use some tips on communicating better too... a little conflict res stuff won't go a miss with him either. Why don't you study it together? Make a date out of it... join a class, go on line together, read a book (the NVC book rocks!)... whatever works...

Please don't add more relationships to this... that is not the way to solve things... it just drags more people in and more people equals more mess if the mess that was there wasn't cleaned up (think toddlers being added to a mud puddle).

It very well might be that you all break up and go your separate ways. If so, wouldn't it be great to go on with life having learned something? This kind of communication break down follows us through life, why not get on it now. What do you have to lose? Nothing... you could gain a whole lot of knowledge and respect for yourself and everyone concerned, just by YOU making the change to communicate more effectively.

There are not "different communication styles" as far as I'm concerned, there is just crappy communication and effective communication... you seem to have a whole lot of crappy and not enough effective in your dynamic... so go make the change to make it effective. That would be my advice.
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