There is so much about your post that brings up red flags to me...
-jealousy heaped on because of adding more partners to "fix" the situation
-hurt and pain heaped on because of a lack of awareness about emotions, relationship to sex and closeness
-a lack of awareness about oneself and therefore empathy for others
-respect for pace and each other seems flailing if at all sometimes
-communication about "Real" issues seems rare or none existent
-years of cheating, lying etc not resolved so that trust can be built
It seems to me that there is a need for a whole lot of putting everything on hold and working on all of this together. A counselor would be great, just so they can help you sort everything out so that you can pick something and start on it. You could start writing lists of what to work on and then start talking, educating yourself about poly and begin making changes.
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