I'm really starting to reach out and enjoy the ability to air my thoughts on this forum. When something comes up I think to myself, 'I just need to go put it down in words.' I've always been a writer. I have pages and pages and pages of thoughts, streaming consciousness and journals from years and years of writing. It soothes my soul and enables me to release these thoughts positively through the process of writing. And for some reason I am in dire need of soothing right now. There is nothing extra-ordinary about my day to day existence...but I'm riding high in the middle of a strong surf, my life is changing in every aspect. And it's an emotional storm inside of me everyday.
@nycindie- you echoed my thoughts perfectly, sometimes it's hard to articulate the essence of what you know to be true. I FEEL the need to escape my job, the creeping is so slow and comfortable that I can't describe it. It is toxic; I really believe to a point, that I have operated in a safe and enjoyable bubble all these years, keeping the job separate from my life. That just isn't sustainable anymore.
Luckily, I don't need the financial security right now. Julio can more than support us with his income. AND... I did call my boss back today, it was a difficult moment. I blubbered a little and said I'm sorry a couple of times. Her response was strong and comforting, "We are sad to see you go, but I respect your choice to stop dancing" She herself was a dancer for many years and had to go through the same choice. The compromise I made with myself was to finish out the schedule (like you suggested nycindie) but I work far less than normal. The entire month will basically consist of 12 hours. This will give me a cushion to prepare for the departure. A huge chapter of my life is closing and the sound of the squeaky door hinges as it slowly swings shut is nerve wracking. I set my last day for Saturday, January 15th. It will be the last shift of the night and an appropriate grand finale. I'm hesitant to broadcast this as a ending, in the chance I have to come running back(as all dancer's I've known ALWAYS do.) But by making the choice to broadcast this as my last dance I will be effectively setting my mind to the task that this is the END.
Either way, this commitment has wrecked my day. And to top it off, today is my last day to prepare for my overwhelmingly insecure attempt to gain a fantastic grade on my calculus final, which is first thing in the morning. I can't describe the influence this day has had over my life. As soon as I walked in the front door, a huge despair fell over me. Both James and Jimmy, stared at me with deep concern and made multiple comments on my inconsolable state. I crawled into bed and spent some time just resting from the emotional strain before I went back to the books. Its soo nice to not be completely alone at this point. Julio has been less than understanding, only because of the distance, he has a hard time being so far away and alone himself, the detachment makes understanding my impediment a secondary concern to him. I can't imagine how I would work my way through this if I was in total isolation.
"Tonight I lay my head down but the pressure never stops,
knowing that my sanity content when I'm droped.
But tomorrow I see change, a chance to build a new,
build on spirit intent of heart and ideas based on truth.
Tomorrow I wake with second wind and strong because of pride.
I know I fought with all my heart to keep the dream alive."
"It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn”