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Old 08-26-2009, 10:03 PM
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River River is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 2,164


In most of the world I know of, the mere desire for non-monogamy is immensely taboo--especially while married, and nowhere moreso than while with one's spouse! So, I'm sympathetic to the challenge you are facing. Many--even most--husbands and wives are so profoundly caught up in unexamined beliefs that it's difficult to even begin to discuss this matter of opening a relationship up without detonating imaginary land mines and inviting make-believe monsters to a tango.

Let's face it, most of us grew up believing that True Love means Mongamous Love, exclusivity--simple pair bonding. With that, we grew up believing (most of us) that even so much as to desire multiple loves, while in a committed relationship, signals a lack of complete love with our present committed partner. Movies, television shows, songs, churches, families... have whispered or shouted this message in our ears all of our lives -- and continue to do so. So your husband may hear your confession or declaration that you'd like to open your relationship up as "You're not good enough for me, so I'd like to ...". And this may be an extremly difficult thing to get beyond. But it may be possible.

The best footing to be on when disclosing your desire to open the relationship is one in which your husband has NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that he is precious beyond measure to you. If he doesn't already have that sense of things, I'd recommend that you help him to know this before broaching the subject.

The next thing that needs to be established, for best hope of success, is the awareness or belief that -- at least for some people -- 100% True Love needn't be monogamous or exclusive. That message is most easily transmitted by one who knows this in their bones. So get to know this in your bones before broaching the subject with your husband. This is possible to accomplish even without the direct presonal experience of what this may be like. You're in a good forum to meet with people who have this awareness in their bones, already, and also know it in their lived experience. Hang with us a while, and you will find that what we've got is somewhat contagious. It comes to us with experience, but also with a lot of careful inquiry into our own hearts, minds, and social conditioning.

When you do finally broach the subject, if you do, begin by talking about, say, how by chance you started to learn about polyamory -- and talk about the subject as a sort of curiosity, rather than as a plan for your future. Ask him if he thinks that folks who practice polyamory might in fact love one another as much as those who practice monogamy. Talk about it as you would any other curious social phenomenon. Maybe show him a magazine article on the subject.... Ease into it, and maybe eventually show him this forum -- or even this post.

Much luck! I wish you both the very best!
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Last edited by River; 08-26-2009 at 10:05 PM.
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