Have you shown your hubby what you have written here? The good AND the bad?
Let him read it, know where your head and heart are at.
Sometimes we can tell them, preach at them, that we aren't going any where. We will still be here when they get home from a date (or us come home from a date) & they absolutely will NOT see the truth of it until it is proven over & over again.
Sometimes they just need to be told in a totally different way than what we've been using to tell them these things.
You've proven to him, at least in my eyes, that you will come home after a date, that things can be even HOTTER between the two of you BECAUSE OF this relationship with J.
This may not be a winnable war, unfortunately
. I think you already know in your heart of hearts what your decision will be in this.
Unless you want to see B continually in pain you need to make that decision and stick with it.