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Old 12-13-2010, 03:41 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145

B is having a hard hard hard hard time....

My piss-poor handling of Saturday night's drunken texting and phone call is truly impacting negatively on how B is coping.

B has "decided" he no longer wants to be in the lifestyle... but when I say ok he backs down. Then he says "well I'm not going to do anything but you have to do what you have to do with J and I'm not going to stop you" so I say that I won't do that and he says that he will leave me if I don't do it because he knows if he asks me not to I will resent him.

He really does NOT want me to have an ongoing Poly relationship with J.
Even if my relationship with J impacts minimally on B. <insert banging head here>

He is torn. He says he can't deal with my sleeping with J then he turns around and says "just go fuck him and get it over with"... like that's going to make me not want to be with J... If I don't sleep with him I'd be fine with that... truly. I don't want to not be friends with the minimum.

but watching B hurt... it's killing me.

He started this morning with a text to me that i got after the gym.. it said "make a date with J for the 31st"

The 31st is our wedding anniversary...

when I got a hold of him and asked i was told "it's my anniversary present to you".... UGH! if you want to give me a good present let me go see him on Presidents weekend when you are going away....

he just keeps going back and forth and back and forth... the minute I say OK we can end all our extra curricular activities he balks and says "well maybe not" BUT he wants me to NOT see J. It's all about J. he says why couldn't I pick someone BETTER... why couldn't I find someone who treats me better... J is what he is... a shithead boy (even at 37 I think him a boy for many reasons)

IF B can't deal I will end it with J... at least the physical part... I doubt J and I would stop being friends and I know J doesn't want that and I know B doesn't consider that a threat....

the problem is... the sleeping with J is the least of B's problems.... B can't even see that the issue is not that I want to sleep with J... the issue for me truly if I was B would have to be that I'm NOT willing to STOP having contact with J... because with J it's about his brain... it's a good connection...

I talked to J last night for an hour and I know he was in a bad place Saturday night with the drunken texts and emails and phone calls.. but after our nearly 1 hour talk last night I feel much better... and I'm learning to interpret him when he's like that... which helps. and B was not home yet from racing so that helps too...

I don't want to lie to B... but hearing that I'm talking to J or planning things with J makes B feel so insecure and unloved. He is so afraid of losing me...

I don't want him to hurt and yet I don't want to give up J and if I could have my way totally I would have B as my primary and J as my secondary and have everyone be happy and friendly. B does not want me to have an ongoing long term relationship with J... J made it clear he has no idea how long we will be together... and I'm ok with that... I think.... because I think we will play it out till it does NOT work for us any more... the problem will come in IF we have to artificially end it because B can't cope... Yes I am willing to go slow. I even told B we can keep it right where it is until he's ready for me to move forward... I told him I can have a relationship with J and not sleep with him... (and it's true I can and I would) but B is totally fixated on the fact that I WANT to sleep with J... umm ya know what... I like the cuddles I like watching TV with our legs all piled up and his arm across my lap my head on his shoulder... just talking watching tv and just BEING...

I'm screwed.
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