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Old 12-12-2010, 05:04 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Was he more upset that he was trying to have a conversation with you, and you fell asleep, but when the bf calls you jump? Sorry but that isn't respectful. If it was "your" night, and he was texting about nothing important, than he was disrespecting your time. For that matter, you kind of disrespected him too by falling asleep on one, and jumping for the other.
yes! you are correct. this did upset him as he told his friend on the computer (and he showed me).. and you are all right! I did handle that very badly. of course both B and I were working on minimal to no amounts of sleep from the night before.. and to be honest... J's text was to see if I COULD call and he would have been fine had I NOT.... so the truth is I handled it very very badly... I disrespected my husband.... since my phone NEVER comes to my bedroom texting me at any time is acceptable... if i'm not there I don't get it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
You guys are new to this, this type of thing is VERY poignant in his head. He needs to feel his time is special and completely validated without interruption. Its polite and will likely get better with time as he finds his footing. The double standard is mentioned below, I agree, it is a double standard, so hopefully you can find a solution to make it work (see below)
it will get better... your pointing out to me how I was wrong is very helpful and very much will contribute to my handling it better next time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Initially having set times, especially recovery "talk" times might work really well. If your hubby is someone who needs clear lines of "battle" as it were, its YOUR job to maintain that. If he is an open minded person, you can constantly renegotiate those lines as he gets more comfortable.
yep we have debriefings as it were... lots and lots and LOTS of talk time both B and J seem to need that right now.. as we find our footing and our places in this relationship quagmire... we are renegotiating over and over almost on an hourly basis... and I see B moving towards more and more acceptance... he even said to me this morning... "every time my comfort level starts to rise something like last night happens and pushes it right back down"... WOW! I HEAR YOU BABE... he asked me to please text him often today so he knows I care. I can do that. and I will.. he is so really trying



Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Especially when the conversation was about absolutely nothing important.
well it could have waited till this morning/afternoon but it's actually something that is pretty important to all of us... but still it could have waited.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Yes its a double standard, but B is having the problems with the relationship and trying. Have you thought of making dead times. Instead of the WHOLE night not being available to call, say "from 8 to 10 we would like time to ourselves" this concedes points for everyone.
yep that's exactly what J was saying on Friday night that after a certain time it's dead phone time... and yet last night he did not respect that.. of course he and I have not set those hours yet... and to be honest with him having so little face time access to me I do feel he should have a bit more leeway than B when it comes to phone access.... but truthfully unless his house had burned down or his mom had died a midnight phone call was unnecessary

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
J is being a jerk, but as the hinge you could be making concessions to try and help him along. When you first taught your kid to swim, did you toss him in the water at the age of 1 without water wings and watch him flounder? (yes, I know some people do this, but I couldn't think of a clearer analogy) Help your husband along, come up with small concessions in either direction and ensure your husband knows these can be renogotiated. it sounds like your husband wants to try, but he is always being pushed.
yes J was being a jerk last night... and i handled it so badly... I did. and I hurt B and lost all the progress we had made that day....

and yes B does want to try... he truly does... and I'm trying to find my lost little way here... we will talk about this more when he gets home tonite and hopefully when I talk to J this afternoon he is ready to hear that drunken midnight phone calls or texts are no longer acceptable...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Lastly, as for the self esteem. Has he sought couselling, they might be able to help with the esteem issues and having him see himself for more than a sack of flesh. Humans are far more complex and interesting than just their bodies.
yep this is true... and B feels he is not interesting to me or smart enough for me or educated enough for me... and it's not true. I don't care about those things.... hard to get B to see it however... B dropped out of 9th grade. he has never been able to pass the GED... he's tried several times before he met me... he thinks he's stupid.. he's not.. he's just not educated.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I guess sort of lastly, you are all trying to make concessions, your are all trying to figure out your place in this new relationships structure, you are ALL making small mistakes that offend the others. If you can attack each mistake like a challenge in an RPG and just figure out concessions for everyone you will be a lot better off.

Ari

and that is a GREAT way to present it to them... both of them do RPG although I do not...

thank you so very much for all your time and help it's truly appreciated!
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