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Old 12-12-2010, 04:28 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Location: maryland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
ETA:

I realized it might have came across as though I was calling you "stupid" or something, but if anything, I was calling your MEN'S behaviour "stupid" about the phone.

I added the "and women too" just so it wouldn't seem like I was being sexist. This is not a "men vs. women" issue, it's more like an "adult behaviour vs. childish behaviour" issue. I realize that it doesn't make any of you stupid or evil human beings.

It's ridiculous when the simple, mundane, maintenance-type things we do in every-day life become points of contention just because one is in "a relationship".

I hear you. Sometimes I feel like the only grown up in this mess.

It's so new to all of us...

with B and I being swingers, we always played together... occasionally I would encourage him to "go get her out of your system" never did it occur to me even that there was such a thing as a poly lifestyle.

B and I had our surgeries a little over a year ago. I am at goal and tiny now (so everyone keeps saying even if I dont' see it) down from nearly 300 pounds... B still has about 40 pounds to lose and he feels fat and ugly and unlovable. I know these are his issues and i can't fix him or that... but I can have empathy for his feelings.

but i digress... my point is this... J dated a married woman once before but I'm not sure her marriage was open or she was cheating. J has never been married and he's trying hard to respect B's marital rights as it were. I've never had two partners at once. Not male or female. I am not one to lie or cheat so it was never an option to have a relationship with J behind B's back.

J hates lies as much as I do and we both have said that lying is a reason to end the relationship... so we DO NOT LIE. I don't lie to B either although B has a tendency to have severe cases of "lies of omission" in the past... he is working on that.

Meanwhile B is trying to let this happen for me, J is trying to figure out where he fits into his "married girlfriend's life" and I'm trying to integrate two men into my life without having guidelines, boundaries or rules. it's all so new for ALL of us... NONE of us have ever done anything like this. NONE of us have ever CONSIDERED anything like this.... Playing was one thing. caring about my couple friends was a different thing.. they had a spouse to deal with their mishagosh... but NOW here.. we have a single male (and that is the sticking point for B) that has NO primary...

Yep that's what B keeps saying, his discomfort is mostly about the fact that J is single... He says if J was married he'd feel much better... But J is not married... and he does not have a girlfriend. He would like to find someone to get serious with and settle down with.. and he would prefer her to be able to deal with me as well... so clearly J knows that we are never going to have a primary type of relationship that we will always be secondaries to each other. (I hope i'm using the right words here I'm not sure what I should call it)....

J knows if B continues to not cope and adapt that we will have to end what hasn't even begun... and so do I.... but neither of us want that... and truthfully B does not either... not really. He wants me to be happy... but he can't be happy for me... and I want him to be happy for me.... and with me... and I can't get him to see that being with J makes me so excited to come home when I am done and be with him....

B has said that he will just step back and go away and let me have my thing with J... and I told him that when he tells me these things it sounds like he means he is leaving the marriage and me... and that's not what I want and if he feels he needs to do that then we can end our involvement with the lifestyle... then he says NO and he says that it's not about that.. that it's cause J is SINGLE... and then he says well maybe it's because of how I feel about myself right now and I don't want to end it for us if that's what it is...

He really is trying... I'm just over coddling... I guess cause i know my hubby.. he is very emotionally fragile... and yet the funny thing is, all my friends that know J and my husband as well apparently all told him "we take care of her...." he told me he was WARNED my my friends... "do not hurt her"
seems everyone but ME thinks me fragile emotionally... and yet more and more I am seeing that I am the strong one...

I'm in a free fall here. my head spins with the thoughts of what could be... how NICE this could be for ALL of us. J and I know what it could be and for right now what we want... Yes I'm starting to see already glimmers of what B is afraid of... and yes it worries me a bit...

maybe J is more needy than I thought... Maybe B's radar is accurate and I'm blinded by NRE... and don't see the red flags... I know that if I was single looking for a long term permanent type of primary relationship (read marriage) I would NOT even begin to consider J... but for my pleasant long term diversion... oh hell yeah!

I know that it all seems like so much work right now and reading all this must make some of you think "why is she bothering".... and "oh what a hot mess" and "she doesn't get it"... and maybe I don't... and maybe it is..

but I know me... and I know I have to play this out....
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