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Old 12-12-2010, 08:17 AM
letgo letgo is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Question DADT...I'm poly, he's not.....HALP!

Hello all. New to the forum and glad to be here. = )

I keep running into the same struggle:

I want and need an open relationship.

Boyfriend does not....says it makes him "miserable"!

Back and forth, etc, ad nauseum.

We have been going out for seven years and I intend to marry him when the financial situation is right. I want to be with him for life, and will do just about anything to make this relationship work.

He is "naturally monogamous" and I am "naturally poly" if you know what I mean....

I have told him I feel like I simply can't feel right doing monogamy (and I've tried!), he feels the same way about poly... Even though I know he'd probably like to sleep with other people given the chance....He just thinks its more important not to hurt my feelings. He apparently doesn't believe in compersion.

We are currently in a long distance relationship since September--before that we saw each other every day. Now I see him about once a month....It will be like this at least for another few months.

I have cheated on him before, and he found out, and there have been times I cheated on him and he didn't find out. This is no good, is wrong in my eyes, and I really regret it.

We came to a compromise of having an open relationship. I could see other people, as long as they weren't mutual friends of ours, sex was safe, kept BF as my primary, and as long as he didn't have to know anything about my other relationships.

We started making a compromise like that a few years ago.... But naturally I couldn't just hide my relationships with other people. He always finds out, even if I don't bring it up.... I don't "rub it in his face" but he finds out....Hope I'm making sense here! For instance I was dating another man this summer. My BF figured it out and was insanely jealous. I decided my BFs feelings were too important and ended the relationship (which had its other problems anyway, so I'm glad it's over).

After summer, come September, BF moved away because of school. And we came to the same compromise we had before.... We could see other people in a DADT sort of policy. Which, btw I hate!! I would rather be totally open about who I'm seeing and who he's seeing, but I have to compromise on this matter.

Well just this week a friend of mine made out with me and he wants to see me again.... Well I texted my boyfriend and told him my intentions to see another person, and asked for permission to see another person.

I really shouldn't have done that because we agreed to DADT....

But DADT just feels so wrong and messy to me. I don't tell my BF any intimate details and never have. I just feel like he should have the final say in whether I get to see people or not. That way he feels in control and knows I'm there for him, knows he's the most important person in my life. Well he knows I am pretty miserable about being totally monogamous so he has granted me permission. He was really pissed that I brought it up at all. And he said he will never ever be cool with me seeing other people, even with his permission he thinks its cheating.

Can you see why I am frustrated? = p

I told him I'm gonna hold off on seeing this guy until we come to a conclusive compromise. Which unfortunately can't be total monogamy for me, because I simply can't do that. Does anyone else know how I feel? I am willing to compromise and sacrifice so much. But that's one thing.... If I'm not poly, I think I'd just be a cheater or a swinger or permanently single. I try to let my BF know its not about him or how attractive he is or how rich he is or anything....He could be Johnny Depp and I'd still want to see other people! I really don't know what to do. I told my BF we should come to a compromise that will make us both a little miserable, because it doesn't seem like we can come to a compromise that will make either of us happy!... He thinks I am losing nothing with our current compromise and that he is the miserable one and that I am just totally happy about it.

Please, please advise! I don't know what to do and this is so frustrating. I wish my BF would feel different about the whole thing....he wishes the same thing about me....Any feedback is welcome, and if you have had any similar experiences I would especially love to hear about it.

Thanks. Hope to hear your thoughts soon.
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