Triad Relationship/Jealousy: She Can Do That Too?
My boyfriend and I live together, we have a uniquely deep relationship and we've talked about a triad relationship as well. I like the idea of sharing our home and support with another person we respect and love to the same degree, and there have been some very good prospects with women we would want to be friends with even if they weren't interested in a triad.
We have had one sexual experience with another woman, and I enjoyed all of it and even enjoyed watching him kiss her. But he didn't have genital sex with her, just me. Now he's mentioned that if we want an equal and fair relationship with someone we respect, they should have say in the relationship too; including whether they want to have sex with him or not. I understand, because if I was a third, it wouldn't be as fun if I was left out in that way, and in truth, my worry isn't that he will fall in love with them more than me.
My problem with the thought is that when I imagine watching him or touching him while he's in another girl, I experience the same feelings as when I walked in on my ex cheating on me.
So many feelings come up involving old self-esteem issues, traumatic experiences, and guilt/jealousy/resentment.
I'm not sure how to bring this up with him, because I understand that in all fairness and logicality it makes sense and is not some big trespass as far as what we've discussed and agreed on so far.
But how can I get over this feeling when the thought is so strongly connected to something that was very real to me, and feeling like it's happening all over again?
Again, nothing else about the triad relationship bothers me. Just the idea of some one else giving him the same kind of pleasure only I thought I could give. The biggest part of the ex-cheating moment and issues thereafter was that I struggled mostly with the idea that he did it because she was more mainstream beautiful than me, and could satisfy some secret desire he needed fulfilled that I couldn't possibly fill.