I've been following your thread on the New to Poly board, and I want to say that I really admire the way you and J are working together to show B respect, support and consideration as he works through his fear issues. Both your partners are lucky to have you.
That said, something in this post really triggered me, and I need to comment.
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing
B tells me that jokingly while he was driving he suggested she give him a BJ and she did... then she wanted to get a hotel room to fuck...
This is complete and total BULLSHIT on B's part, and ridiculously UNFAIR to you and J. You can't pursue a relationship, after all this time in a "poly" marriage, but he can sex up his friends whenever he feels like?
Aww HELL NO! *SNAP*
If it were me, this would be the end of the line for the double standard. I would require my husband to choose from either:
A: the end of all extramarital relations so that he could concentrate fully on overcoming his irrational fears, which I would support in the short term by refraining from same, or
B: STFU about his irrational and unfounded fears and allow me the same freedom he has enjoyed for some time now. Perhaps seeing me go out with my bf and come home to him a few times would likely go a long way to calm his fears.
But there is no way in hell I would continue to be one in my marriage doing the lion's share of the work to address HIS problem.