Trying to find my way in what I think is an unhealthy relationship.
i have been in a master/slave relationship (as a slave) for about 6 months now. I fell in love with my master, "A". He is recently divorced, with two kids and really in a funky place. We also have/had an open relationship. In theory, A wanted me to be his primary partner, and I wanted the same with him. but he really couldn't handle much of anything in terms of commitment and, as time has gone on, he has really freaked out.
At one point, he would say 'i love you', we would see each other about twice a week, we hung out with each other's friends. It was wonderful. And I loved our very intense sexual relationship. I know he felt the same.
But he recently has been freaking out about his inability to really be in a relationship, and has backed away. We took a 'break' that has meant that he texts me about once a week. I saw him once last month, but we only had sex and he left. It breaks my heart. I want more. I have communicated this...and this is the critical fissure between us. He wants to keep me on the line, keep me around, perhaps for when he feels better, but he is basically absent from my life. But he won't even say that we have a "relationship." He is afraid of that word.
I wanted to arrange to meet with him to give him a Christmas present I bought for him months ago, so I texted. He responded, saying that, 'now that you are done with finals, i can make some time for you. how about lunch on Monday? Have you been a good slave?'
I responded that I can meet on Monday, and I am unsure as to my slave status.
I love him so much, I want to be his slave, it is very hard for me to resist his drawing me in like that, but I know that he is trying to continue the slave/master dynamic, while refusing to give anything on his side. I know he plans for us to meet for lunch, fuck, and then I'm supposed to leave and just be okay with everything.
As a natural slave, I am struggling with asserting my boundaries here. For a long time, he has been unable to give what I need to feel fully trusting and open in a slave/master dynamic, and yet, because I felt some of these things with him in the past, I find myself hanging on, hoping that he will change. He wants to keep me on the line like this, and it is so hard for me.
I have worked very hard during our 'break' to re-evaluate myself and think about how I can enforce my boundaries in this relationship. THe truth is, he seems to have no consideration for my boundaries.
I am seeking your advice in how to be strong when I have such a proclivity towards weakness, particularly with him.
Thanks for your advice,