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Old 12-11-2010, 07:27 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
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Default Losing the Battles so I can win the war....

I think I"m going to need a place to put all my stuff... my thoughts and feelings and what happens...

I need to keep this part of my life here... for several reasons...

Yesterday I kissed hubby (B) goodbye and got in my car and drove 2 hours to see my new friend (J). It was our first time together since we decided to try to have a relationship and it was an almost spur of the moment meeting. I asked him on Wednesday for Friday and he said yes. We were supposed to have the day together on January 8th as our first date just for the day but instead our first date turned out to be an overnight....

oh the joy
oh the fear
oh the nerves

Let's start with the fact that B is really struggling with this. I have never had a friend like J and B is "letting" me explore it but he's hurting emotionally. He is feeling bad about himself and he thinks I no longer want him that now that I am skinny I want skinny guys. this is so not true... but no matter what I say he will not believe me... so I just have to wait him out...

Sour Girl very wisely told me I would have to lose some battles to win the war... it was very sage and helpful advice. I did not understand it totally until this morning as I was getting ready to drive home to my husband.


And I wasn't sure what I wanted... I know more now and I see now that I need a place to put my thoughts, feelings and ideas. And while I am not keeping it a secret... this part of me is not easily found as I use a different screen name here than anywhere else... so I can really write what I need to... my non poly friends don't really get it. And I'm trying not to be excited and obsessive with B about it.. but that is HARD... I want him to share in my joy and excitement and HE CAN'T. He can't be happy for me while he's hurting and scared for himself. But he's trying to let me do this and I know he's hoping that it won't be a long term thing.

I got to J around 2:30 pm and we talked.... and watched some tv... no kiss no cuddle... nothing that would indicate we were anything but casual friends...

We managed to make some dinner and eat and then sat on the couch talking for quite a while... tentatively starting to have some physical contact... more than casual friends... less than lovers....

We talked about B's comfort level... how he is not coping with this well. how we need to wait for him to be more comfortable.... we talked about where we are and what we want... at this point we have a FWB relationship... not putting any time frames or limits on it... we LIKE each other, but he would like to find a woman to build a life with who could deal with me.... that would be his ideal... and getting B to deal with him would be my ideal.

Amazingly enough B needed to call and it was about computers and we both rushed to J's computer and looked up his new computer and were talking to him and all three of us were laughing and it was PERFECT... my DH on the phone and my "boy toy" with me all of us comfortable and relaxed.

That little perfection lasted a few minutes....

When B got off the phone J said how fine he was with B calling as needed.... and how he understands that my family will intrude somewhat on our time but on the other hand my family has to accept that occasionally he will intrude on my family time.... and that will work... for me and J... B is not ready even for that...

J and I ended up watching movies while cuddled up on his bed... NOT knowing what would happen I was prepared for almost everything but getting comfy and casual so I ended up in one of his tee-shirts... we cuddled and watched movies and talked and talked and talked till 4:30 a.m. and finally I said "J, I need SOME sleep shut up"....

we talked A LOT about B... about how right now we have to talk about it and let him find his comfort... how if he can't find it we will have to not have visits. J said he would never want to give up our emails... I thought that a bit funny as they are sporadic and not anything other than friendly chit chat most of the time... Our connection is voice and in person...

We talked about how it's our brains that connect not a physical connection... and yet when we cuddle we fit well...

Amazingly enough to me, even though our initial thoughts on what our relationship would be was NSA sex... we have opted to table that based on B's comfort level. We talked about how we can wait till B is ready for us to progress (within reason and limits that have not been determined yet)... and today B tells me he's not sure he will ever be ready for me to have sex with J.... he said he is fine with my visiting J and spending time with him but my swinger husband is not sure he can cope with my sleeping with J.

So here I am, laying in a bed with a man in a tee shirt, bra and panties and he is in a tee shirt and we just cuddle... NOT a kiss to be had... not a sexual touch at all... it was sheer heaven for me....

I text B at 10 to tell him my cell is at 36% and dying.... and give him J's number if he needs me....(at J's suggestion)

B texts me a few times... but my phone has been shut off to conserve power so he texts J stuff indicating he thinks he is losing me. That J won.... it was comical to us... and yet tragic at the same time as J knows that my pain for B will affect us. He is getting that while he does not have to have a friendship with B they have to be civil and they have to respect each other....

J texts him back a few polite messages that I'm staying because the weather is a bit bad (wet roads under 30 degrees means black ice....) this was around midnight and says to me that eventually B will have to learn that while he can access me when I am with him, that a time each evening when I stay over will become, NO LONGER taking TEXTS time... seemed fair to me... a few more texts came in and J ignored them till after the movie was over...

J is being very respectful of B's needs and yet also knows he needs to set a few of his own boundaries. At one point we had talked about spending the weekend of February 18-20 since B is going to a race weekend..... but B on Friday specifically asked me not to spend that weekend with him since it's his birthday weekend and he wanted me to go racing with him but that's so boring for me to watch them race I declined. I explained to J that B did not want me with him on his birthday weekend and while I think it's foolishness, J said he understands... I think we are both a little disappointed.

I fear that since most of his racing days (which are the days I can go see J) are not overnights that we will have very few overnights

I feel asleep around 4:30-5 a.m. I awoke around 8 and noted that at 7:30 B sent me a text that he would be home in about an hour... he had gone with his female friend to drop off her horse... it was a long drive and she really hit on him... B tells me that jokingly while he was driving he suggested she give him a BJ and she did... then she wanted to get a hotel room to fuck... and he was totally turned off... she is just so crass for him... had she suggested a hotel room to get some sleep he would have gone for it...

Yes B is having a huge double standard.. and J and I know it...and yet we can deal with it for right now....

anyway after I got dressed I woke J to walk me to my car (I did not want to walk to my car in the back lot alone) and he pulled me back to bed for a cuddle... I kissed him on the cheek a few times and we cuddled a brief time... he got up got dressed walked me to my car, we hugged and kissed goodbye ( a very chaste few kisses) and I headed home. J sent me a text asking me to let him know that I got home safely... i thought that very sweet...

all in all our visit was spectacular... we had fun,yet we were respectful of B's needs. we talked a lot, our connection grew deeper..we seem to be totally on the same wavelength about what we want from our relationship and yet both are aware that we are going day by day to see how it plays out...

We won't see each other again till January 8th and that is just a day trip for me I can't spend the night. I'm not going to stress over the inability to stay over as often as I would like at least not at this point...

Last edited by whatamIdoing; 12-11-2010 at 07:38 PM. Reason: forgot some stuff
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