We had a talk at our last poly meeting about communication and the ways in which one can chose to react to a situation. One of the things that was mentioned was denial. Well apparently I'm really good at denying something is bothering me. It all leaked out last night though.
There's something that my husband told his girlfriend months ago, before I had even met her, that concerns me and that I'm really really not proud of. The information that was shared could have some pretty severe repercussions to me if it was to make it into the hands of the wrong people. I readily admit that I made a choice and that it was the wrong choice but the knowledge of the choice that I made should have been mine to share with who I trust.
Well last night I discovered that I really wasn't over that breech of trust. There's something that I know is a secret of hers that he won't tell me. To me it seemed that my secrets were less important and were free game to be casually shared. He's right that it doesn't solve anything for him to tell me her stuff. So I've asked him to talk to her about the breech of trust and to make it clear that this is something that he shouldn't have shared with her without consulting with me first because it wasn't just his to share. I guess I need public aknowledgement that even though it might not seem like a big thing to either of them that it's huge to me.
I don't trust people easially. There aren't many out there that know stuff about me that they can hurt me with. I object to those I've never met and who I've not been given any choice in the matter being given that kind of information. Then again even if I know someone unless it's something that I'd tell them myself because I have that level of trust with them it's not something I want shared by someone else who I have trust in to keep my confidences.
I don't like fighting and I really don't like fighting about old stuff that should have been put to rest a long time ago. I didn't know that it was still bothering me until last night. I hope that I don't have a bunch of other stuff that's in there just waiting to come out. I'm exauseted from last night and I'm still feeling really fragile. I wish that I didn't pick fights it makes me feel like a bad person (I know that's not a feeling). I don't express myself rationally and I end up saying a bunch of stuff that I really don't mean. I wish that it didn't take me so long to get to the actual problem. If I could get there right away then I could do away with all the extraneous hurtful bullshit that I spew.
So now we have a solution to the actual problem but I don't know if I've caused more damage in the process. I need to learn to think before I speak. Once I'm in the heat of it I find that really hard to do. It would even be nice just to be able to recognize the root cause of the argument earlier on. I'm not getting anywhere going over this over and over in my head anymore. Time to get on with the day now.
(so much for peace and joy and love huh?)
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.