So Cricket and I are "taking a break".
I'm a mess, and so is she. But I know she needs to do this. We still love each other, and she told me that she doesn't want to lose me.... but yeah. Still hurts like hell.
Tonight was night one of our split. I went to see her with a small group of friends. We had a good time, but not getting a good night kiss from her was kinda like a baseball bat to the ribs.
Actually, having experience in this area, I think I prefer the baseball bat
The hardest part of that particular issue is that last night, after our 3 1/2 hour conversation and the mutual decision that this is the bestthing for her right now, we were still very affectionate. We held each other, we both reassured each other that this wasn't the end, we exchanged kisses, even a few tearful ones (if that makes me a look like a bitch, too bad. I'm man enough to admit it when something makes me cry, it doesn't happen often.) She felt like the woman I fell for instead of the shell she has been lately. And then tonight, seemingly out of nowhere, there was almost nothing. I felt like she was shutting me out.
I need to know what the rules are here. I'v never done this "break" thing before... and I can't handle the "rules" changing on me like that out of nowhere. While I don't need to have everything planned out like Mohegan does, I NEED information. I have to know what's going on and where I stand in a given situation, or my mind goes crazy.
This sucks. I'm trying to keep from falling into old habits - IE shutting down emotionally - by throwing myself into whatever I can throw myself into that will force me to feel SOMETHING. I've made too much progress with my sociopathy to backslide now.
Hell, at least one good thing will come of this. I can guaran-damn-tee you that Teradox (my darkon country) will have their feared, confidence inspiring battlefield commander back, fully and in rare form!
My soul may be bleeding, but my family will take care of me. This I know. And they'll do it by kicking ass and taking names beside me.