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Old 12-10-2010, 02:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Seeking, thanks for sharing more details. I feel like I understand your situation much better now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seekinganswer View Post
... I'm doing all the posting as S and D have not done so for weeks now although S checks in regularly on my posts. Im active on the post because as I said, the matter of the long term discussion in our situation was put on hold yet I needed to put my thoughts out on it somehow: hence the solo posting.
This thread has sparked some tension between us because when D read it, she said she was hurt by discussions. We planned to talk about it today but she does not want to. I asked her to read more on polyamory to help her deal with situation as I have done, but she sees no point in it.
Again, cowgirl. She was more comfortable as a hidden mistress of a cheating man than her status now as an open partner. She loves your h, but isn't comfortable being his acknowledged lover now? She needs to, pardon the expression "shit or get off the pot." You've got the patience of a saint and lots of love to accept the former hidden mistress of your cheating husband. She needs to return the respect, or she needs to go... or you do. imo!

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True.. we did not want to go down the polygamous route.S had the idea that poly was a better way of life because it entailed sharing...
What do you mean by that phrase? Both women in his bed at once? Or just house sharing and the women becoming close friends? Neither one is a given in polyamory. Separate homes are quite common amongst poly partners.

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and was more fulfilling than polygamy (separate homes, where the man divides his time between the homes) Please note that S is not Ugandan and therefore does not subscribe to polygamy.
Well, polygyny (one man, 2 or more women) can be polyamory too, if the women don't have or want other partners themselves. Do YOU want D brought into your home as a sister wife or do YOU want her to live separately?




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No testosterone overload, but since after the affair, he has been more open about us interacting with other women and sharing this together. I just thought that we needed to be open about this to D and as such, define our poly life along these lines (no long term ties).
Again, "interacting?" Does he think being poly means all his women will have sex together, or all be in his bed together? This is not a requirement! I don't see it as a possibility for you or D currently, because of the loss of trust you must have suffered when you found out about the affair, and also because D can't, or won't talk things through respectfully. Metamours don't even need to meet in polyamory, mush less become close friends or lovers!


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Indeed.. He is new to this and learning on the job so to speak. I hope he will post soon and give you more insight on his POV, but I realised that half the time, he is busy trying to make either one of us happy albeit at the expense of his own needs.
Heh, when my ex and I first agreed to open our marriage 10 years ago, he had this macho idea he could satisfy both me and his new gf, sexually, emotionally. But he was so bad at that, so bumbling, and she and I were both so jealous of each other ... I soon told him to drop her as a lover, or I would leave.

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Sometimes, I get the sense that because he started this, he will shoulder the lion share of the burden.
I agree. He started it by cheating. Now that it's out in the open by your good graces, he should work like heck to help everyone feel comfortable. If D wants to keep his love, she should seriously self examine and show you some respect.

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That open talk between us still eludes... red flag?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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