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Old 12-10-2010, 02:44 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by bella123456 View Post
I don't really have any fixed ideas about what potential relationships would look like...other than the usual - honest, open, caring, respectful, fun etc. My aim would be to build relationships on those foundations....rather than a picture of what they may look like. I like the idea of relationships being purely about the people involved not a bigger picture or script. The idea of marriage and settling down is not appealing to me...and I find if someone tries to put me on that path I feel instantly uncomfortable. It feels much more refreshing and real for me to have relationships about the here and now, and the bond or connection...rather than a predetermined path or script. It's a little hard to describe...but If I feel like someone is interested due to "potential long term partner" or "potential wife", it starts to feel less about me and more about the role I'm expected to play in someone else's life or a script that was written long before I arrived..
I'm not an actress....I don't want to play a role !
Just want to be me...
I have no idea what it would be like to be in a marriage where there was a script for what I am "suppose to be." I'm so sorry that you have been through that. I just want you to know that not all men subscribe to gender roles or the roles of what it means to be a wife or husband. There is a large number of men out there who are willing, or even insisting that there not be roles as such unless one falls into them naturally and is comfortable because it is who they are....

I married PN 10 years ago this summer and he has always been of the opinion that I am to be who I am. He just wanted to share that with me and I with him. I have never been the wife in a traditional sense and he the husband, much to the confusion and sometimes annoyance of some of our more conservative family members.

We actually are glad to have Mono in our lives because sometimes PN and I are both the wives and Mono the husband in terms of gender roles. Mono fixes stuff and we just sit there and admire him for it. Mono doesn't organize family dinners and stuff, PN and I do. PN does the finances and Mono and I don't... Mono does his own. I do the shopping and PN the cooking more often than not. Mono cleans the dishes... we all do what we can because we like it that way, not because we feel we have to to fill a role.

I hope that what ever those who are single and poly are aiming for in their lives happens for them in order to be happy, but please remember that marriage and any committed relationship is made of whatever you bring to it and are willing to create... yes there are expectations that are not obvious when we marry; there are always expectations, but the key to success in committed relationships, I think, is to find the assumptions and espectations, talk about them and shift them to something workable for all concerned. Be flexible and open to change. If its unworkable then the relationship is done and it's time to move on and find someone(s) that work... that isn't the fault of marriage or our culture, that is just how it is and sometimes who the person is. If it is the fault of our culture then its up to us to make the change, because "we" are the culture... I think that is happening slowly with the existence of relationship dynamics such as poly in terms of poly fi and poly family tribes.

Hope that makes sense.
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