Originally Posted by SNeacail
There is a reason that sledgehammers are reserved for demolition
. Ever try to bend a piece of wood? It is a sloooow process that can take days and it may require extra encouragement, such as steam, water, clamps, etc. making minor adjustments as you go. Bend it too fast and it will break and splinter.
We bent too fast.
I get frequent texts from P. I am ok with that, because before she and W got together, we had been forging a friendship. Except I'm sorta not because it feels like the texts are just for me to be a go-between so she can keep in contact with W until he is ok with talking to her again.
I spend a lot of time on two issues:
1. Shoulding. I should be this, I should feel that, I should be ok with this, I should be emotionally that. It leaves me feeling less than and inadequate.
2. Chameleon. I am a chameleon and I need to find out who *I* am and what *I* want.
Ever watch the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts & Richard Gere? She conformed herself to each of her different partners only to run away at the wedding because it wasn't who she was or what she wanted but didn't know how to express that. She ended up in her apartment alone, having cooked eggs 6 different ways because she didn't know what kind she liked and wanted to try them.
That's how I feel. I need to sit alone for a while trying out this or that to see which one *I* like.
I know W is poly. He's not willing to go through the pain and stress we went through (it had physical ramifications) again - so for him - he's going to remain happily monogamous. I think that if we were to get ourselves sorted, it would end up being ok for both of us.
I think about being poly. I am still interested in other people - but uncomfortable with poly considering how badly it broke my marriage. For the first time in over 11 years... I don't have a wedding ring indent on my finger. I have considered moving into the spare room while we sort out what broke between us.
Its all fixable, but like I said, I feel like I am a chameleon right now. I need to get to the root of who *I* am. I think there's someone pretty awesome in there. But she's buried deep.