Originally Posted by redpepper
Really I think it's up to her. There will be no babies with your shared partner it sounds like. So you can both let her know that, there will be no living together it sounds like, so you can let her know that too. It sounds like it's not okay for him to just drop everything and go to her, so she shouldn't expect that either.
I think for now, she would rather be with S and put her future dream on hold. I find this suspect as I was very clear to both S and D about how far I would like to go which does not tally with her dream. Here's why.When we first talked about poly with S, he asked me what I thought about inviting someone else into our sexual life, kind of a good friend with benefits. No talk of long term living situation and certainly no babies..As S insists that his feelings for D are only enjoyable if I share with him, I have to be okay with whatever is planned.
Originally Posted by redpepper
So where does that leave things...? well, you are willing to share your time with her to a point. What is that point? how much time? when?
I can imagine a strong friendship with her based on our shared love for S and if we both get comfortable maybe even try to explore the sexual side of it. She can visit us occasionally, join us on family activities but along side that, she is free to move on if she met the right person for marriage and children. I do NOT
want us to "marry" her so to speak.
And as NeonKaos pointed out, the dangers of not being articulate on boundaries are very real. While the ones we have so far hurt D because she found them restrictive, I do not regret pointing them out. Right now I am not comfortable pussy footing around some salient issues.
But what does S think? This is one is tricky, he has repeatedly said that he would like us to really try to enjoy without the pressure of the future talk. He in fact promised D that if she trusts him, she will be really happy!! Hmm.. note that he does not clearly state that there will be no babies, or traditional marriage or living together. To me this sounds like a silent promise and very very dangerous. When I asked him, he said that he does not want to hurt D. I told him he has to decide what is important to him: placating D and let her float around in her dream or be firm and let her know what he is offering. I will not tolerate such vagueness and if he wants this to work, I cannot be comfortable under these circumstances.
And D? I know from past discussions with her that S promised her countless times that she will have a "happy life". She has interpreted this before as an affirmation that he will give her what she wants (babies and living with her) I tested the waters and asked her directly if she is still hoping for the babies with S. She says,"I do not want to focus on that now
", lets all just be happy. Vagueness again.
My take: We are doing a bad poly job of it as far as communication is concerned..no complete openness. Mostly, there are talks between her and him, me and him and her and me. Often, D does not want S to tell me some things and vice versa. One thing D does not know is that S would like to interact with other interesting women that we both like for various reasons. This he has not shared with D.He has a couple of female friends with whom he communicates and would like me to meet in the future. We are not doing anything about it yet because all our focus is on the relationship with D and quite frankly, its very demanding. So there we are..