Thread: Forever Eklctc
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Old 12-08-2010, 02:59 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default Original Post re:relationship concerns

I'm just combining posts so that all of my story is here in my blog. This post may duplicate some of the information posted previously which was a snapshot of the situation.

I am in a polyamorous relationship with a couple. My official introduction to the parents is due to take place soon; however, I plan to tell my partners I think we should wait.


I don't feel the connectivity in the relationship when all three of us are together. Whenever we are supposed to have a 'group' discussion what ends up happening is 'they' have a conversation in detail and then 'he' filters the summary of the conversation and decision to me. That is a polygamous move- when the husband and primary wife discuss and decide and the results are passed on to the lesser wives. Also, when we are all together and my male partner wants to show something or say something, he specifically calls my female partner's name to share. Though I may be in earshot, I'm not really included in the conversation. There are other small things that I observe that continue to indicate they are still operating a dual partnership. So, basically, I have begun to feel more comfortable with them separately than I do with them together because at least that way I feel more 'in tune'.

Now, I noticed this from the beginning but, of course, I considered it to be something that would progress and change as the relationship developed; tried to consider the newness of the relationship (we've been together almost five months); and the fact that the relationship type in general is new to them after being married for 10 years (with sporadic swinging). However, as I have observed this behavior and tried to take it lightly, I decided I needed to speak up about it since it is something that I seem to look for now (because it seems inevitable) when we are together somewhat making me dread being together (all three of us) and it will begin to change the energy within me from neutral to negative if I do not speak up now. My brother tells me to stop using the newness of the relationship as a crutch to excuse these things.

Another point that I notice is that we always use 'time' as our reason for not being able to do things (get together and talk, hang out, etc) especially with my female partner BUT, as my male partner mentioned to me in a separate conversation last week, it's all about priority and sequence. Maybe it's not a priority at all or maybe it is on the priority list but sequenced so far down it never gets addressed. Now, my female partner can't ever seem to find the time to be available for a three party conversation but she finds the time to go meet up with other guys or go hang out with other friends or 'they' can find the time to have an in-depth conversation without me yet I'm free when they are free. My female partner also takes her sweet time to respond to my messages (I mean, like a day or two) which weighs heavier on me than I want to admit. I mean, if we are all equally invested, how does my male partner get a response and/or get a phone call yet mine gets ignored?

I don't want to end the relationship but the relationship I currently see is not the one I am aiming for.

So I have managed to have my discussion with my partners and a very interesting and vital revelation has come out of it. While my male partner understood and agree with me on my viewpoints and acknowledged they were things he needed to work on, my female partner told me that she was not as physically attracted to me as, she believes, I am to her and could probably take or leave the relationship because her focus is on personal goals (which is understandable). She basically stated that she would be interested in continuing to hang out with me and being friends but she does not desire the sexual aspect of the relationship.

I'm glad that information came out, though, I am upset to find out that (1) both partners have kept this knowledge hidden from me, (2) my female partner has basically subjected herself to interactions that she really didn't want with me, and (3) we really are not working towards what was originally discussed and I'm the last one to find out.

Pretty much, all of the concerns I originally had are null and void because, without her participation in building an all-inclusive poly triad, me not being included in their conversations; me not feeling a part of a 3-party relationship when we are all together; and me feeling that my female partner is not giving much effort into communication with me and building our relationship all revolve around a different type of relationship then what we, ultimately, are in and that was really the entire point of the conversation to begin with.

So, we somewhat pondered where we go from here ... and we are still pondering. As I have stated on the board and to my partners, a 'V' poly relationship was not my goal but that is where I am finding myself and in a secondary position. I don't know where I sit with that right now since I'm less than 30 minutes out of their presence. The original arrangement was that we would all only emotionally connect with each other. For me, that connection consisted of an all-inclusive companion/intimate relationship. With that no longer being the case, I know that I will not be emotionally fulfilled with just the connection between my male partner and I.

We spoke of our desire to have a live-in poly relationship in the future. They are working on having a baby. I mean, I'm now pondering the future as the time for these things draw near and concerned about how that will look...if they are still in the plans...what our roles will be...etc.
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