It seems whenever big things happen to go down, I end up at Selene's computer while she makes dinner, and my titles end up out of whatever she so happens to be listening to. Manhole by Ani DiFranco, in this instance.
When I first began posting on here (for the second time after a months-long unnoticed absence... can you tell I'm a pillar of this community? Bad joke.
) I explained many times that my financial situation is non-existent. Company works, and my job is finding a job. When we were kicked out of my parents' house, we went to stay with Thunder, Vegeta, and Ariel. Company was unsure, he wanted to accept help from his dad and have us move to Ohio. But there seemed to me to be so much stability... Vegeta said over and over again that my home was there, and they wouldn't be like my parents. They wouldn't desert their family, and that's what they felt like we were. Don't get me wrong, nothing's free; we paid for the majority of the groceries, and I brought my parents' car with me (they know I have it, don't care much), and we worked out a way to pay 120$ worth of rent. After groceries and our own bills, that was all we could afford to contribute without going into negatives. Everyone seemed happy with this.
is a really bad word now.
Thunder called a house meeting tonight, because the tension has been unbearable since they broke up with everyone. (As a side note, they joked about breaking up with Andulvar, didn't really do it. Vegeta didn't break up with me, just hugged me while Ariel did it for her.) We were fine on Thursday, everyone having an okay time, and Friday woke to them staying out of the house as much as possible. They stayed the night over at Vegeta's mothers, and found every excuse to get out and stay out. Ariel didn't look at me, talk to me, so much as turn in my general direction. She avoided me like I was the newest deadly plague and CDC was out to get me. Everyone during the house meeting pushed her to tell us the truth, we wanted to know what the hell was going on. Here's a breakdown of what went on in her head.
It's okay for us to stay with them as long as we need to. (Not really, she just wants to be nice.)
Let's have a new relationship, I think I have feelings for you. (Not really, I just want to fuck your husband.)
Okay, a "mattress-room" sounds good, we can all go to bed with each other. (Umm... no, I need space and privacy. But I don't like it when you're mad at me, so let's just do it anyway.)
My brothers are here and I'm not ready to tell them I'm poly. Let's cool it down. (I actually need to soul-search and figure out if this is what I want.)
I'm breaking up with you. (I'm tired of fucking your husband.)
I'm uncomfortable with having a "mattress room". (I need my space and privacy, and I don't like you mooching off my apartment.)
Now, I won't say that this is absolutely what went through her head. She tried her best to explain to us that she was just curious, she didn't mean to hurt us. She doesn't want to throw us out, but she definitely isn't comfortable with us.
I'm so upset I could hardly give a fuck. In my eyes, to test your curiosity this way is wrong. I can't begin to come up with an alternative path to do so, but I am wronged here. Ariel told everyone that she had been uncomfortable from the beginning.
Every word from her mouth is a lie to me.
I just got done with a situation very similar to this with Thunder's ex and my ex-friend Wolf. What they both did was not really lie, but it was just omissions. They just wouldn't tell us some things, and that was okay with them. It's not okay with me. I don't want to be left in the dark, I hate not knowing when there's no good reason not to say what the fuck the problem is. Is she really that much of a pussy that she can't just be honest? That's an integrity issue in her, and I cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped, let alone won't even stand my presence.
I was well off to licking my wounds about the breakup. She was dishonest to the extreme, well, that's not okay, but what can I do about it way after the fact? I can choose to not associate with her any longer, and I will. She's done in my life, and never again with that bullshit. As for Vegeta... well, that's Vegeta's choice. I don't honestly know to what extent she shares Ariel's feelings about everything. Even if she doesn't, I can't in good faith believe her because she spends too much of her time in front of me being on the fence. I'm always hearing about how in private she has definite opinions, I just never see them until the situation has exploded.
Most of all, what bothers me is how I let them use Company. I wish I had seen through the facade to the curiosity it really was. How Ariel was just polyfucking everyone and conning our emotions. Company thought it was that for a long time in the beginning, and when things began to boil for the millionth time. I told Selene earlier that it felt as though I'd had a daughter, and I let her get raped. It shouldn't feel that extreme, Company says it's not my fault, but somehow I feel like I've let him down. I should have done something about this, maybe protected his dignity a little better? Protected the sanctity of our own relationship before letting her waltz her way into his pants and use his dick to her own pleasure. She's sullied him, made him dirty... I want to wash him clean again, make him feel better about everything.
It's painfully obvious that I just can't.
For now we're going to stay with Andulvar and Selene, but I don't want staying with them to ruin our relationship the way it did with Ariel and Vegeta. It's funny, because now Selene is gung-ho about us staying when she used to be worried it would come between us. We've switched places... But in the end, if I don't find a job, Company and I can't stay. We can't support ourselves and we don't want to be burdening anyone of our metamours anymore, whether they want us to or not. We're adults, we need to find our feet once more. (Maybe this helps put it into perspective somehow, but I'm 21 and Company is only 19.)
My prioritizing makes me feel shitty, but I can't do this any other way. I can't give metamours what I don't have, and if my primary relationship isn't stable, I need to fix that. To fix that, I need to be stable enough to support myself. If I have to have something long-distance with them to do that... I might cry more than I ever have, I might miss them terribly, but this can't keep happening. I need to be self-sufficient! I need this to make me feel better, and to fulfill a promise I made Company a long time ago.
I WANT TO WORK, I WANT TO BE A PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTES TO THEIR COMMUNITY. For fuck's sake, I want an honest job, an honest living.