View Single Post
Old 12-05-2010, 11:59 AM
bean19 bean19 is offline
New Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1
Default new circumstances

I have been seeing my partner for a year now. We have an incredibly fulfilling relationship in many ways. We have never had a formal commitment to one another, except a promise to be honest. Functionally, the relationship was mostly monogamous. Early in the relationship, while on separate holidays, we both slept with other people. During the course of the relationship we have had two threesomes (with women) and I had one same-sex affair that my partner knew about while we were separated. I have never felt jealous in this relationship (an issue I have struggled with in monogamous relationships in the past) until now.

Circumstance has now placed us in different cities. We are seeing each other every 6 weeks or so (meeting in various places), but the role we play in each other's lives is changing.

He has recently started seeing another woman. They have travelled together and have started having sex. This has been happening for a little over a month now and he was honest with me about it, even before anything happened between them. While I don't want to limit him, I feel very threatened by this situation. Since they live in the same city, I envision them becoming very close while my partner and I grow apart. The idea of him having sex with other people does not upset me, I am worried by the development of emotional intimacy.

He insists that his new relationship does not effect our relationship or how he feels about me. After weeks of looking for advice I am coming to understand that what he is interested in is essentially polyamory. He travels and moves often, and he seeks to maintain intimate, if discontinuous relationships with the women he becomes close with along the way. I am unsure how I feel about this. Certainly, my own self-confidence issues are being exposed. The new woman does know about me and my partner insists that a condition of his relationship with her is that he can see and sleep with me whenever he likes. She has a LDR of her own, but her partner is not aware of her new relationship. This makes me doubt her ability to be open and communicative and i worry it will impact my relationship with my partner.

My partner is incredibly communicative, which is why our relationship has worked thus far. As his new relationship has developed he has been honest with me and also supportive and reassuring as I struggle to deal with feelings of rejection, inadequacy and jealousy. I can rationally work through my emotions, but it is difficult and I sometimes wonder if it's worthwhile. I don't want my partner to be lonely, and I know he craves intimacy as much as sex.

I am potentially interested in a relationship (primarily a friendship, but perhaps more) with the other woman, although I have some concerns there. My partner insists I would "like" her. i could see a relationship between the three of us being both good or bad. So far my threesomes with my partner have been incredibly satisfying for both of us, but they have occurred with women we did not know well and have not been close with. I am afraid there will be too much of a sense of competition between two women who've had separate relationships with the same man and that I will be passive-aggressive regarding her.There is currently talk of my coming to stay with him for awhile in the spring but I am (probably prematurely) worried that it will not be appropriate for me, as a LDR, to come into "their" space months into their relationship.

All of this is very new to me. Before my current partner I wouldn't have imagined I was capable of opening up a relationship at all. Now, I am trying to gauge what I want, and what I'm willing to give to maintain relationships in complicated circumstances. My partner and I are unlikely to live in the same place again, so if we are going to maintain any relationship, we are going to have to learn to work through these situations. At the moment, the best thing I can probably do is wait, however, i am terrified of the dynamic shifting from me being his (not explicitly) primary partner and being (functionally) his secondary.

Any advice on LDR, open relationships, dealing with jealousy, and manuevering relationships without clear boundaries is appreciated. I'm learning
Reply With Quote