The Healing Process
Thanks everyone for your kind words, they mean alot.
Itís been a while since I last posted, Iím a terrible blogger. Itís been a bit of an up and down month. Since Bob decided to end things, I have been in the process of healing, though I feel Iíve made very little progress. About a week after he ended it he decided he wanted to remain in touch with me and still be friends. While I wanted this initially, I am not really sure Iím ready for it. We talked a bit for a little while over imís, but every now and again heíd mention how he was doing in such a way that it felt like a guilt trip to me, at which point I just stopped responding, and have done the same any subsequent times. Iíve also been kind of avoiding him on the imís but still encounter him in the MMO we both play, where I canít really avoid him, though we donít talk much. The times when we have talked Iíve felt awkward and uncomfortable, and thereís even been times where heís gotten under my skin and I his over stupid little things. Iím beginning to think I should just cut contact with him entirely except where it is not possible (like my MMO, not going to stop playing it just cuz of him, it is something I enjoy after all), at least until Iíve had time to heal and can talk to him without the discomfort I now feel.
Despite how uncomfortable I am talking to him right now, Iíve periodically found myself lately thinking of what couldíve been, and some regret over having lost him, alot more lately, especially with the holidays coming up. I know I shouldnít regret, because I did the right thing, I canít deny who I am, and it is not my fault he couldnít understand me, and in my head I know that telling him was best for us both in the long run as it couldíve just made things worse if Iíd kept quiet. However, I still feel these things and I still feel loss, and hurt. It saddens me and I still feel a small measure of guilt for having hurt him so much, and myself. I find myself thinking of what could have been, and the wedding I couldíve had, but I have to stop myself there and remind how if Iíd gone through with it it couldíve been more disastrous. Itís is hard, and I am trying to heal and make sense of me as a polyamorous individual.
I find myself questioning how multiple relationships would work, particularly since I find myself so glued to John at the moment and donít want to part with any time I have with him, but also because Iím still new to the whole idea and recognizing my heart for how it is. How does one balance their time between multiple lovers? True at the moment I only have one lover, but that doesnít mean in the future I wonít have another as well. Itís something Iíve been trying to make sense of and figure out.
While all this has been going on I recently got to meet with John in person for the first time. We only got to spend 5 days together but they were a wonderful 5 days and far too short. We meshed rather well and at the risk of saying a little too much I donít think Iíve had better sex in my life. There was alot of getting to know each other better (on many levels), things that wouldnít likely have come up except in person, and alot of good food, and cuddles. There was alot a bit of hypno-play and D/S play, which was rather enjoyable as well. We both cried when we had to part and even though our visit was short, I miss him terribly. I will not get the opportunity to see him again until the summer.
With the holidays coming up I am finding myself feeling down alot more often. Usually I love Christmas and look forward to the family time. This year however I am rather off kilter. I am unable to afford gifts for even my immediate family. I am in debt to John and a mutual friend for the expense of the wedding that never happened that I owed, and while neither of them expects me to pay it back, they wonít stop me if I want to pay it back either. I also discovered that my pay checks each month are covering my expenses with no extra, so Iím basically not making anything. I know in the New Year I have to find a new job as I canít continue in my present job due to frequent back pain and due to my pay rate simply not being enough. I canít work long hours due to back problems which started back in September. Given the layoff rate after Christmas my hopes are not high for finding a better job. So I have alot of financial woes, plus I feel off kilter and out of sorts given where I had expected myself to be this Christmas and things have not gone as expected, plus the inability to get gifts for anyone, the holidays are just depressing me and dragging me down.
So with all this Iím eking by, I seem okay on the outside but I have all this going on inside. Externally Iím good at hiding it, but for those who know me, and know me well, itís not hard to see inside and what Iím going through. I have alot of healing to do and it is not easy, especially the times when I am alone with my thoughts. Often I have to distract myself and tell myself itís not okay to be beating myself up or getting down over ďcoulda, shoulda, wouldaĒs. While my brain knows itís not fair and hard on myself my heart leads, and I have to distract myself. While I should be happy since itís the holidays, Iím really not in a celebrating mood and just want them to be over. It hurts to admit, and even just typing this I can feel tears trying to form in my eyes. I know healing takes time, and that itís just a matter of being patient and that with time it will get easier, but it doesnít really make me feel any better now. I just have to wait and hope that I feel better sooner rather than later.