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Old 12-01-2010, 10:38 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
So most of what we are talking about to me is the difference between boundaries, compromises and rules... all very different and something I have thought about and talked about a lot. I think I will write about it on my blog for further reference as I seem to feel the need to repeat myself quite often and then just cut and paste . Of course, you all don't have to agree with me, but I have found breaking it down has really helped establish for me what I am really talking about and has helped me to describe to who I'm with what it is that I want to discuss in negotiating.

Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.

Anyway, hope that helps Glow?
Wow THis is REALLY helpful. I didnt realize what a world of difference it makes to distinct these rules from boundries and compromises. Do you mind if I email this post to P and N? or I can just summarize... that works fine as well !
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