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Old 08-25-2009, 07:37 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by zyx5 View Post
J and Quath,

One thing we have observed recently is how socially acceptable it is for a spouse to cheat on their wife/husband. You hear about it almost everyday in the news, at work, church, or other social circles. But allowing and being full aware your spouse have a relationship, intimate, friendly or otherwise with another person is so taboo. Why is that?

One last question, if TK's wife does not know about this, and he is afraid to bring it up, then does that mean we are not polyamorous? Do we not belong?

Thanks, zyx5
Welcome to the boards.

Cheating on a spouse isn't really acceptable here in the US. One of the challenges presented to poly folk is the notion that we cheat on our spouses. One is cheating if a), there is an agreement to not have other relationships, and b), if one is engaging in another relationship in violation of that agreement.

For poly folk, cheating can occur when the specific agreements made are violated in some fashion. If one has a relationship in secret, for example, one isn't engaging in honest, open relationships--which is a foundation of polyamory. If your agreement involves not dating crack whores and you gets involved with a crack whore, well, then, you're breaking your agreement and cheating.

If TK's wife doesn't know about the relationship, then TK is nothing other than a cheating spouse. You know about your wife's involvement with TK, so the two of you are prima facie poly.

Now, you being mono in a poly arrangement isn't a problem. (Indeed, read the tale of our member, Mono!) Whether you're poly due to a fetish or due to relationship inclination matters not, I think; as long as you allow for partners to have other relationships, you're doing the poly thing.

That your wife is a bit insecure about the possibility of you having another relationship also doesn't rule out poly. She's engaged in multiple relationships and is still feeling her way around the experience. In a couple of years she may have no problem with you having another and may even try to find somebody for you. You never can tell.

And even if you never have another relationship, as long as you're supportive of your wife in her other relationship(s), you're poly as best I can tell. Your wife appears to be interested in having a relationship with somebody else, instead of just other sex partners, so that removes you from swinging (your interest in having a loving wife would work just as well swinging; her interest in relationships is what makes it poly).
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