Firstly,wow, River. I really appreciate you. Like, you have no idea how well we would get along sitting across a table from each other with a few empty beer bottles between us. When I first joined this forum, it was your words that gave me the most insight. And now, after having grown in my love and stepped out onto thin ice once more, it's your words again that bring me the peace I've needed. Thank you.
Secondly, Mono and RP. You two are my inspirations. And simply knowing that you are both available as a life line and as a resource has given me more strength than you can possibly know. Thank you.
Third, my love. Your usernname is incredibly apt. Thank you for knowing me like you do; for reminding me who I am; for giving me hope; for calling me out; for respecting me enough to never give into my lesser self, and most of all for being an outstanding human being with unyielding aspirations.
Here's an update:
I freaked the fuck out a couple nights ago. I came home from work to an empty house and began imagining myself alone with RC and Charlie away together. I sat down at the computer and began a stream of consciousness rant about how I felt. It was cathartic, to be sure, but filled with demons and selfishness. When RC came home, exhausted from the constant struggle and barely able to do more than hug me, I let it all out on her. I told her that I changed my mind and I didn't want this weekend to happen. I told her that I didn't respect myself for having made this decision and that I didn't feel safe or considered in the plan that was made. She listened through her own anger and resentment and the night progressed into me launching into a tirade about me, me, me and my selfish little self. She saw straight through my bullshit fear and insecurity, forced me to lie down in front of the fire and brought me back to reality with one hell of a massage. I still don't know if she realizes how much I needed that gift of caring touch.
The next day we learned that a good friend of ours moved his wife from the hospital, where she was battling cancer, into hospice care. This, and a couple other key insights, gave me the perspective that I had lost in my haze of uncertainty. Life is far too short, my friends. Any one of us could be hit by a bus at any minute. If something were to happen to RC, and if I had the opportunity to give her this gift of happiness and chose the path of selfish insecurity instead, I would no doubt regret it for the rest of my days. That's the real shit.
I don't expect that I've seen the last of my demons. But I feel like I have ample weapons now to defend my home against them. Thank you all for being arrows in my quiver.
Concern yourself less with love and more with loving.