Been awhile since I've been on here.
I'm trying to change something about my mindset that has plagues me for as long as I can remember, and I really don't know how to do it. It seems that, no matter where I set my goals in life as far as anything having to do with an occupation or career go, I always see only the negatives. I automatically start looking for the reasons that "this will suck" and fixate only on them. This is, largely, because I have never seen anything to lead me to believe that the idea of a job that doesn't make you fucking miserable is anything more than a myth - I grew up in an environment of alternating unemployment and misery taken out on me when working (my stepdad) and total unemployment (my mom). Subsequently, I have never had a job that I either didn't completely hate, or that something didn't suddenly change one day to make it something I hated. Add to this the fact that I've changed my major three times in as many years because nothing is ever what it seems to be once I get started taking classes on it... I have myself convinced that I will forever be forced to choose between either 40 hours a week of misery, or unemployment. Part of this is that I absolutely can not stand taking orders from someone who is incompetent at their job, which sums up 90% of my work experience. I see it partially as common sense, and partially as giving someone respect and power over me when they have no busniess recieving either.
Power.... that's a huge part of the issue right there. I have huge issues with someone thinking that they have any kind of power over me. I can't help think that most of my bosses/managers have had a sort of "that's right bitch, you'll do it because I said so" kind of mentality, and I REFUSE to be said bitch. I can't even really articulate why I feel this way, or if said impression is an accurate one. I have walked out of several jobs because I simply wouldn't deal with one more snide comment or power play from an employer - I'd rather be unemployed than take someone's shit, essentially, even if I end up homeless because of it.
This would be fine and acceptable, if I was the only person depending on me to bring in a paycheck. But, I have Mo to consider, as well as Cricket to a lesser degree (she's not dependant on me, but I'm willing to bet that she's like it if her boyfriend could afford to take her somewhere nice once in awhile).
Combine this with the fact that the last two majors I studied, I ended up simply not going to classes because I found out that most of what those jobs required violated my principles on a fundamental level or simply required me to deal with blindingly stupid, spoiled rich kids on a regular basis.... I end up sacrificing practicallity for principle on a regular basis. And I am, very much so, a man of my (somewhat skewed) principles.
Dealing with that is bad enough. But now, it's gotten to the point that I am convincing myself that I am going to hate my current major because "it's not going to be what I think it is", or "I'll have to take someone treating me like shit", or... insert some other random point of negativity here. And not only am I studying something I love (electronics), but I haven't even started classes yet!!
It's completely unrealistic and irrational, but I have no idea how to NOT be this way. After a long talk with Mo tonight, I've come to the conclusion that I am like this because I've never seen anything work out right. Things always happen that end up making something that seemed good at the time, end up being something I can't stand being a part of. It stretches beyond employment, at this stage - I automatically think everything is going to fail. If something isn't going EXACTLY PERFECT with Cricket, for example, I start questioning what's wrong, does she want to break up for some reason, am I doing something that's driving her away, ect. ect. ect.
I've come to realize that this mentality is one of the reasons I decided to have an affair with her behind Mo's back in the first place - after all, 'Mo will never be okay or accepting of this, and we'll never fix our issues, so I just need to deal with them'. But I wasn't willing to walk away from what Cricket and I had...
If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know how that turned out
I'm here on a poly board for a reason, after all.
It seems that my one big hobby/obsession - Darkon - is where none of that applies. When I take the field with my boys (and girls), I KNOW that what I do will work. I've SEEN it work. I am a totally different person when I'm fighting. ANd I realized, after thinking it through, that it's not limited to just Darkon, but fighting in general. I grew up in martial arts and getting into fist fights all the time. I LOVE to fight, not because I like to hurt people, but because it's one of the only times I feel completely, totally confident that nothing will go wrong that I can't handle. I mean, I've already been pistol whipped, shot, hit with bats, jumped by multiple oponents, and cut with knives, so what else can go wrong?
(yes, I realize how incredibly dangerous and foolish that thought process is, and I'm not completely like that... not completely).
The point to this rambling novel is this - I NEED to change this mentality that I have. I NEED to stop sabotaging everything I do with my own negative attitude/thought process/ past experiences.
But how do I do that? I'm completely lost on this... it's like knowing that you need to drive across town, but not having the first clue as to how to even start the car, let alone drive the thing.