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Old 11-29-2010, 11:55 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
I am wondering, if it is a reasonable boundary to request that a partner does not have causal sex prior to a date or two. The reason I ask this is because I know some see sex as a starting point in a relationship, or discover the connection they have with someone because of casual sex. reverse this, how comfortable would you be with your partner telling you to have sex on your first date to help them be comfortable with it being a sexual relationship.

I understand peoples boundaries but sometimes peoples styles are just different. If I meet the right person, sex becomes a big part of the getting to know you stage. I would be a little resentful if that was absolutely 100% restricted.

Now as a full grown adult who is able to control his hormones, will I run out and jump everyone who flinches, no. But being forcibly restricted like that can be a tough pill to swallow.

Now, I can count on one hand (well less than) the number of times I have had casual sex and it didn't become more. So for me, sex is a gateway into a relationship of some kind. I am not likely to offer up my sexuality unless there is more than just a chance of bumping pelvises.

In the inverse, to further my example. I can count on 1 finger the number of people I took time to get to know, fall in love with and then have great sex with. (My girlfriend, listed in my signature for the record)

So if your partner is anything like me, you are restricting his ability to find love. Imo.

I am not like this but I believe my partner is. While some days I still struggle to understand if being in poly relationship will ever be a perfect fit for me, I have learned to understand the possibilities and appeal of polyamory. I have however still been strugling with the concept of casual sex. There are options to deal with this,
one suggested was that my partner makes whatever effort possible to tell me he may be having sex that night "ie. there will be drinking and im seeing this girl that i think is cute, something may happen" in the hopes I can mentally prepare myself, perhaps lessining that "surprise factor". The other option I have is to suggest this sort of boundary.
How has that worked for you, that mental preparation? I will continue below.

Likewise, I am unsure if making a boundary that states id prefer to know about possible sexual interaction before the event (if possible) may not even help me deal with my jealousy at all.
you have to figure that out. Does knowing at all actually help or hinder. Maybe those initial stages of his finding a relationship are best left unsaid. Oh I know, this is bordering on DADT. But its not. What wrong with him saying "I am interested in a girl, we have a date" and leave it at that. Let him build his relationship how HE builds it. Sometimes the details just get in the way of the big picture.

Other possibility brings me back to my original thought, would you ever request that your partner get to know someone before having sex?

I have trouble making boundaries because I feel a lot of jealousy and to me boundaries are sort of like compromises. I don't want to tie down my partnerS to a bunch of absurd boundaries and at the same time I do not want to sacrifice myself for a lifestyle that I don't feel is completely innate.
Most absurd boundaries are ones where the person is seeing their ruleset through their eyes only. Some people could use a real dose of removing the rose coloured glasses. You are asking questions, thats awesome, it means you are trying to process. Kudos to you

To others (whoever said swinging)
Since when did common dating practices become swinging? This type of casual sex encounter is as common as hanging out and waiting for someone you love to walk up and smack you on the head. It sounds like the bf in this case wants to be free to date as he would as a single man. Very different than swinging, which I think is very couple centric.

Casual sex is not the antithesis of poly. They can be married together nicely.


Last edited by Ariakas; 11-30-2010 at 12:10 AM.
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