Originally Posted by Kat
Since we embarked on this journey called polyamory together, I have felt isolated from the rest of the world. I canít talk to my mono friends and family about our choice or what Iím feeling. I am terrified that people will catch on that my bf has another gf and:
a) feel sorry for me because my man is cheating on me and I donít know it or
b) feel sorry for me because Iím too stupid/needy/insecure/fill-in-the-blank to leave a man who is obviously cheating on me.
My bf and I actually read the article today and talked about my discomfort with societal issues. He is unconcerned with what society thinks, because itís no one elseís business how we love. And I can agree with him that itís no one elseís business. However, we made this choice for him, so I feel like he can more easily say ďI donít care what others think or sayĒ. I have chosen not to have relationships outside of ours. From the outside looking in, it doesnít appear that I am gaining anything out of agreeing to this type of relationship. Iím not pleased with being forced to live more differently. I believe in discretion. Iím a very private person. So I don't put my business out all over the place. But this decision makes me feel like Iím living in the shadows. And worse yet, if someone gets a glimpse of whatís going on in the shadows, they will pity me because I could do so much better.
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in feeling this way. I think being mono in a poly relationship makes a lot of the societal judegement concerns very intense. I have the same worries at times although a lot less after two years. People (i.e. mono people) can't understand why I would be monogamous with someone who isn't. It's actually easier to just say you have an open relationship both ways and make lite of the relationship....BUT....that is a lie, because we are mono and the people who really know you will likely see right through it. It also can hurt our partners.
You are also not alone in feeling isolated from your mono friends...and this is not always an indication of just "how good of friends they really are". Often it is just a case of just "how different poly is". There are lots of really good people in my old community that I don't associate with anymore..partly because they don't understand "who I have become" and partly because I don't feel comfortable in environments where the woman I love is often judged.
So you end up between worlds..not fully in mono or poly circles. I'm comfortable there. The question is can you be comfortable there or will you fight to get them to understand you are the same person you always were and are not weak, a fool, being used, settling or otherwise unhealthy with the man you love?